Well hello there...
It's been nearly 3 months since I signed in on here. I had to think for a minute to remember my password. That's sad. There has been soooo much going on that I won't even attempt to tell it all. In summary, I got a new job (that has nothing to do with food!), Baileigh was turned into a 6-year-old prostitute by the groundskeeper of our apartment complex ("let me stick my finger in you and you can have a dollar"...ok, that's not really how it went down, but that's what it amounted to) and absolutely NOTHING has been done about it (and more than likely, nothing ever will). Adam Robinson is free to fondle children for the rest of his days. Goddess help our justice system! School has been going well and sucking ass at the same time (more on that later), and that's about it I guess. It doesn't really seem like a lot when I name it off like that, but all the little pieces of everything is a lot and that is why I'm not going to tell the whole stories. Moving right along...
I'm stressed. What's new, right? Thankfully, it's not the "I'm so stressed out, I don't know what to do, I hate my life, blah blah whaaae..." that I usually have going on. My mood is fine. Great, actually. I've been consistently happy. Weird huh? Yeah, I think so too, but I'm definitely not complaining. I've had so much positive energy around and through me lately, that I feel physically uncomfortable when there's negativity. Like now. I can't really explain what it feels like, but I'll give it a shot. It's like I'm full, like there's too much inside me, my body, like whatever is inside is pressing against the inner layer of my flesh and I might burst open from the pressure. It's not painful, though. Just really uncomfortable. Like I'm restless. Like I have an itch that I can't reach, only without the itch. You know when you can't get to that spot on your back and you're wriggling around and reaching and trying to find something to scratch it with...that feeling. That discomfort. I just need to find a quiet, peaceful spot outside somewhere and meditate. Deep cleansing breaths and whatnot.
My grades have been ok. I got an A in one class and a B in another. Those are the only two classes I've completed since my blogging absence. I'm in week 5 of my current class. Unfortunately, I haven't even finished my week 3 assignment, nor have I started on weeks 4 and 5 assignments. Behind much? I know that schoolwork is the biggest aspect of my stress level. And normally, I'd be behind and stressing because I had been being a slacker and just not putting forth the effort. Now, however, it's not that I'm slacking; I just don't have time. "No time! There's never any time!!!" (If anyone can tell me what movie that came from, I'd really appreciate it. It's been driving me crazy because I've been saying that line several times a day and I can't figure out where I heard it. So if you happen to recognize it, please end my suffering and let me know. That'd be great. Thanks.) I will admit that I have been able to play a game on the Wii here and there this past week. Now, before you start aha-ing and tsk tsk-ing, let me explain. The only reason I was able to play games is because the amount of time I had in which to do it was insufficient for academic use. 20 minutes here, 15 minutes there...hell, that's barely enough time to get the computer booted up. So I used the chunks of time that I was killing to do something useless and fun. I absolutely have to get it in gear for the rest of this week though. All assignments must be turned in by the deadline of week 5 (6pm this coming Monday) in order to be considered for credit. So I have 3 weeks' worth of work to do and 4 days to do it. I can do this...I may not sleep for those 4 days, but I can do it. And as the reader you may be thinking to yourself, "well you dumb bitch, shouldn't you be doing homework now instead of writing in your blog?" Ah, but you see, writing in my blog eases tension and relieves stress, ridding my aura of some of the negativity that hinders my concentration. So the current writing is necessary for optimal studious performance. So there.
Baseball/Softball season is upon us. Baseball is kind of a no biggie; we've done this twice before. But this year Bai decided she wants to play softball. So we have two practice times that overlap at seperate locations. Some of the games will be the same way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or even a middle school drop-out) to understand the problem with that situation. It's gonna be a fun summer, folks!
I guess I'm good for now. I really, really, really want to write more often. Really. I doubt it'll happen. But the desire is there. Right now my plan for the weekend is to take the kids to the Opening Day ceremony at the ball park on Saturday, drop them off at their daddy's after that (by the way, William, can I drop the kids off with you after the Opening Day ceremony Saturday morning so that I can come home and do homework? Thanks!) and come home and do homework. I'm going to get as much done as I can before then, of course, but all day Saturday will be my biggest chunk of uninterupted time. Hopefully I can get finished so that I don't have to pawn the little demons off on someone else Sunday. I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
A little chanting never hurt anyone. Until next time (whenever the hell that'll be)...
Deuces!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
10,158 days and counting...
Faster than a trip to the restroom...More powerful than a punch in the face....able to knock you on your ass in a matter of minutes...Look! On the CT scan!...It's a seizure...It's a stroke...It's ANXIETY! Yes, it's anxiety - strange visitor from the back of your mind that comes to the surface with powers and abilities far beyond that of normal emotions. Anxiety - that can change the course of a good day, instill fear with its mere presence, and that, disguised as stress, harmless emotion of normal everyday people, attacks suddenly and severely and scares the teetotal hell out you!***
I almost died today.
Not really, but for a while it felt like I was going to. I was having a good day at work, getting stuff done, not stressing about anything, upbeat mood. I started noticing my chest getting a heavy feeling and it was getting a little harder to breathe so I went to the restroom and splashed some cold water on my face. A lady I work with, Kelly, got a towel and put it on my neck. I figured I was just having an anxiety attack so I asked her to go get my purse and I took one of my Xanax pills. I sat in the corner of the restroom floor and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. The next thing I remember is paramedics hovered over me in one of the stalls (don't know how I got there) and a lot of jumbled talking and questions to which I couldn't respond. Then I blacked out again. I had the sensation of floating (being rolled on a gurney) and then I woke up in an ambulance. I was mostly awake after that, although there are still parts that are missing. Even once I woke up and was coherant, I couldn't talk or move the limbs on my right side. The EMT in the ambulance was asking me questions and I concentrated really hard on making my mouth work, but I couldn't talk. It was TERRIFYING. I was completely alert and very much aware of the fact that I couldn't move or communicate. Over the course of the next few hours at the hospital, they ran blood tests, brain scans, and heart monitors. They thought I had had a stroke, but all the tests came back fine. Slowly, my mobility and speech started to come back. They finally chocked it up to an extremely severe anxiety attack and sent me home. Weirdest shit ever.
If anxiety can do that to a person, there need to be more affordabe and available methods of dealing with stress. Hell, I wasn't even stressed when it hit. Anxiety is some sneaky shit, yo. Creeps up on ya. I've been on this earth for 10,158 days and if I'm gonna get to my goal of 36,141, I need to start taking better care of my mind (and arteries, muscles, bones, & organs...but we're not talking about those right now)!
I'm feeling better now. My amazing aunt Dundi brought me Burger King on her way home from work. (Thank you, again, Dun.)
I am tired, though. I'm going to eat and crash I think. 'Night...
***borrowed from intro to 1950's tv classic, Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet...More powerful than a locomotive...Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...Look! Up in the sky!...It's a bird...It's a plane...It's SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
I almost died today.
Not really, but for a while it felt like I was going to. I was having a good day at work, getting stuff done, not stressing about anything, upbeat mood. I started noticing my chest getting a heavy feeling and it was getting a little harder to breathe so I went to the restroom and splashed some cold water on my face. A lady I work with, Kelly, got a towel and put it on my neck. I figured I was just having an anxiety attack so I asked her to go get my purse and I took one of my Xanax pills. I sat in the corner of the restroom floor and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. The next thing I remember is paramedics hovered over me in one of the stalls (don't know how I got there) and a lot of jumbled talking and questions to which I couldn't respond. Then I blacked out again. I had the sensation of floating (being rolled on a gurney) and then I woke up in an ambulance. I was mostly awake after that, although there are still parts that are missing. Even once I woke up and was coherant, I couldn't talk or move the limbs on my right side. The EMT in the ambulance was asking me questions and I concentrated really hard on making my mouth work, but I couldn't talk. It was TERRIFYING. I was completely alert and very much aware of the fact that I couldn't move or communicate. Over the course of the next few hours at the hospital, they ran blood tests, brain scans, and heart monitors. They thought I had had a stroke, but all the tests came back fine. Slowly, my mobility and speech started to come back. They finally chocked it up to an extremely severe anxiety attack and sent me home. Weirdest shit ever.
If anxiety can do that to a person, there need to be more affordabe and available methods of dealing with stress. Hell, I wasn't even stressed when it hit. Anxiety is some sneaky shit, yo. Creeps up on ya. I've been on this earth for 10,158 days and if I'm gonna get to my goal of 36,141, I need to start taking better care of my mind (and arteries, muscles, bones, & organs...but we're not talking about those right now)!
I'm feeling better now. My amazing aunt Dundi brought me Burger King on her way home from work. (Thank you, again, Dun.)
I am tired, though. I'm going to eat and crash I think. 'Night...
***borrowed from intro to 1950's tv classic, Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet...More powerful than a locomotive...Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...Look! Up in the sky!...It's a bird...It's a plane...It's SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The title should be obvious....Happy New Year!
It's New Year's Day...January 1, 2012. Wow, even typing it is weird.
Last year flew by. I was always told that time goes by faster the older you get. I didn't believe it when I was 14 and wanted a license. I wouldn't even have time to prepare for my driving test if I was getting my license when I turned 30. "Goes by faster" isn't an appropriate explanation of what happens to time the older you get. A more accurate way of putting it would be: time makes bounds. One day it'll be New Year's and then 2 weeks later, the kids are getting out of school for summer break. Once you get through the summer, suddenly it's Christmas again. I don't think I experienced a whole year in 2011. Here are the highlights...
In March, Baileigh was hospitalized for severe asthma symptoms. That was the scariest day of my life. She really could not breathe. After that, we cracked down super hard on the cigarette smoke and took proactive action to prevent future episodes. She's been doing great since she started her daily inhaler.
Starting in the spring Jacob had baseball. I love going to his games. Sometimes I can't get into them; baseball really isn't my thing. But I love watching him play. He had a really crappy attitude at the beginning of the season, but after a few games, he got better. He still wasn't happy about losing, but we focused more on his attitude and his effort and praised him for his behavior instead of for the score, and he learned that "it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I'm sure that's a lesson we'll have to touch on again this year.
In May, we took the kids camping for the first time. They had a ball! It was awesome watching them explore and pointing out cool things that adults don't usually look twice at. They both caught fish and Jacob helped Heather build the campfire. We took the nebulizer for Bai, just in case, but didn't really have any trouble. That was even before the daily preventative. We went swimming in the river and made real campfire s'mores. Those are always waaay better than making them in the microwave. I can't wait to take them again.
I left Sub Depot at the end of June and started at Quiznos. That was really hard for me. I don't regret leaving Sub Depot because I seriously could not put up with Curt. I do wish like hell it hadn't have had to be that way though. I miss it, everything about it, except him.
Late August, early September brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself. Nothing changed externally. I just somehow changed. My way of thinking, my mindset, the priorities in my life, my relationship with myself. It's all clearer and I see everything from a different perspective. A better perspective. I was able to let go of some things that have always given me a bitter taste in my mouth and a pain in my chest. I feel free. Liberated! I can't explain why I changed, but I'm willing to my faith in my prayers to the Powers That Be, and the prayers of those who love me to their God. Positive engery from any source is still positive, and I'll accept it gratefully.
September 10th was pretty awesome. Heather and I connected on a deeper level and our relationship, which was crumbling quickly, took a major turn. We have fought less in the past few months than we did for any week-long period during the entire 2 years we were together, except maybe the first couple of months when it was still new. We used to sit on opposite of the couch, her watching tv and me on the computer. Now we rarely even watch tv. We spend time together. And when we do turn it on, we cuddle while we watch a movie. It's a wonderful flip and I hope we can keep it this way.
Christmas was special. We took the kids to Heather's mom's house and they were very well behaved. They racked up on toys. The most special part to me, though, was the sense of family that's always in that house. I know I have a family and I love them more than I can say. It's just been so different since Mama died. Nothing feels the same. Maybe it never will. But I enjoyed being with Heather's family and feeling like a part of that.
And here we are.
I made several New Year's resolutions last year, only one of which I actually accomplished. This year I've decided not to make any. I'll try to improve on things that need improvement, but I'm not going to set myself up for failure by immediately expecting things of myself that may not happen. I look at it like this: if you tell me I can't have chocolate, I'm going to think about chocolate non-stop and eventually (a few hours) break down and go get some. One time when I tried to stop eating junk, I actually cried because I wanted a candy bar so bad and wouldn't let myself have one. I seriously go through mental withdrawals. So...I'm not saying I can't have it. I'm less likely to want it if I know that I'm free to go get it anytime. It makes sense. I use that reverse psychology on the kids too. They'll be dying to play video games if they're grounded from it and there won't be anything to do outside. But if I say they can play the Nintendo, they'll be all excited and go play a few different games for a total of about 20 minutes, then they'll come in here and say it's boring and go outside for hours. If I can outsmart them, I can outsmart myself.
I've been unintentionally losing weight for the past few months. I'm not eating any differently and I'm damn sure not working out. Stress, I guess. But if I've lost 20 pounds without even trying, imagine what a difference a brisk walk around the apartment complex twice a week would do. Maybe I should try that. I'm not saying I will, but I'm more likely to do it if I don't tell myself I have to. There's a reason I'm majoring in psychology.
Another thing I'd like to try to do this year is start a savings account. I have one now, and I think it's got $20 in it. I mean a real savings account. A rainy day fund. Something that'll be there if tragedy strikes. I'm not saying I will, but I'd like to.
I think right now I'm going to get up off my lazy ass and go eat breakfast at Shoney's. They were open all night for the drunken partyers, but I was asleep by 12:30am. I actually dozed off around 11:15pm and Heather woke me up to ring in the new year. Then we went to bed. We're getting old!
Happy New Year!
Last year flew by. I was always told that time goes by faster the older you get. I didn't believe it when I was 14 and wanted a license. I wouldn't even have time to prepare for my driving test if I was getting my license when I turned 30. "Goes by faster" isn't an appropriate explanation of what happens to time the older you get. A more accurate way of putting it would be: time makes bounds. One day it'll be New Year's and then 2 weeks later, the kids are getting out of school for summer break. Once you get through the summer, suddenly it's Christmas again. I don't think I experienced a whole year in 2011. Here are the highlights...
In March, Baileigh was hospitalized for severe asthma symptoms. That was the scariest day of my life. She really could not breathe. After that, we cracked down super hard on the cigarette smoke and took proactive action to prevent future episodes. She's been doing great since she started her daily inhaler.
Starting in the spring Jacob had baseball. I love going to his games. Sometimes I can't get into them; baseball really isn't my thing. But I love watching him play. He had a really crappy attitude at the beginning of the season, but after a few games, he got better. He still wasn't happy about losing, but we focused more on his attitude and his effort and praised him for his behavior instead of for the score, and he learned that "it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I'm sure that's a lesson we'll have to touch on again this year.
In May, we took the kids camping for the first time. They had a ball! It was awesome watching them explore and pointing out cool things that adults don't usually look twice at. They both caught fish and Jacob helped Heather build the campfire. We took the nebulizer for Bai, just in case, but didn't really have any trouble. That was even before the daily preventative. We went swimming in the river and made real campfire s'mores. Those are always waaay better than making them in the microwave. I can't wait to take them again.
I left Sub Depot at the end of June and started at Quiznos. That was really hard for me. I don't regret leaving Sub Depot because I seriously could not put up with Curt. I do wish like hell it hadn't have had to be that way though. I miss it, everything about it, except him.
Late August, early September brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself. Nothing changed externally. I just somehow changed. My way of thinking, my mindset, the priorities in my life, my relationship with myself. It's all clearer and I see everything from a different perspective. A better perspective. I was able to let go of some things that have always given me a bitter taste in my mouth and a pain in my chest. I feel free. Liberated! I can't explain why I changed, but I'm willing to my faith in my prayers to the Powers That Be, and the prayers of those who love me to their God. Positive engery from any source is still positive, and I'll accept it gratefully.
September 10th was pretty awesome. Heather and I connected on a deeper level and our relationship, which was crumbling quickly, took a major turn. We have fought less in the past few months than we did for any week-long period during the entire 2 years we were together, except maybe the first couple of months when it was still new. We used to sit on opposite of the couch, her watching tv and me on the computer. Now we rarely even watch tv. We spend time together. And when we do turn it on, we cuddle while we watch a movie. It's a wonderful flip and I hope we can keep it this way.
Christmas was special. We took the kids to Heather's mom's house and they were very well behaved. They racked up on toys. The most special part to me, though, was the sense of family that's always in that house. I know I have a family and I love them more than I can say. It's just been so different since Mama died. Nothing feels the same. Maybe it never will. But I enjoyed being with Heather's family and feeling like a part of that.
And here we are.
I made several New Year's resolutions last year, only one of which I actually accomplished. This year I've decided not to make any. I'll try to improve on things that need improvement, but I'm not going to set myself up for failure by immediately expecting things of myself that may not happen. I look at it like this: if you tell me I can't have chocolate, I'm going to think about chocolate non-stop and eventually (a few hours) break down and go get some. One time when I tried to stop eating junk, I actually cried because I wanted a candy bar so bad and wouldn't let myself have one. I seriously go through mental withdrawals. So...I'm not saying I can't have it. I'm less likely to want it if I know that I'm free to go get it anytime. It makes sense. I use that reverse psychology on the kids too. They'll be dying to play video games if they're grounded from it and there won't be anything to do outside. But if I say they can play the Nintendo, they'll be all excited and go play a few different games for a total of about 20 minutes, then they'll come in here and say it's boring and go outside for hours. If I can outsmart them, I can outsmart myself.
I've been unintentionally losing weight for the past few months. I'm not eating any differently and I'm damn sure not working out. Stress, I guess. But if I've lost 20 pounds without even trying, imagine what a difference a brisk walk around the apartment complex twice a week would do. Maybe I should try that. I'm not saying I will, but I'm more likely to do it if I don't tell myself I have to. There's a reason I'm majoring in psychology.
Another thing I'd like to try to do this year is start a savings account. I have one now, and I think it's got $20 in it. I mean a real savings account. A rainy day fund. Something that'll be there if tragedy strikes. I'm not saying I will, but I'd like to.
I think right now I'm going to get up off my lazy ass and go eat breakfast at Shoney's. They were open all night for the drunken partyers, but I was asleep by 12:30am. I actually dozed off around 11:15pm and Heather woke me up to ring in the new year. Then we went to bed. We're getting old!
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
It's okay...I'm on medication.
For the past week or so, I've been going to the "notepad" feature on my dumbphone to jot down a few words here and there that will remind me of stuff to write about when I get the chance. I just looked at it because I have a chance to write, but none of that stuff seems very important anymore. I wanted to bitch about work and stupid people of varying origins...I was going to give a little update on the animals (we now have 3)...I had planned on ranting about my opinions regarding people getting pregnant and having kids while on welfare (I will still probably rant about that, but not right now).
Right now I want to talk about how lonely I am. I don't mean in the sense that nobody's around and I don't want to be by myself. I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy a little alone time. What I mean now when I say I'm lonely is that I have no friends. My life consists of going to work, doing homework, going to school, spending time with the kids (though not nearly enough), and trying very unsuccessfully to keep my house in a state that won't be deemed a health and safety hazard by the government.
I miss going out. I miss having people over. I miss making spur of the moment plans and getting excited. I've become dull.
When I first stopped hanging out with people, it was because I decided that there was no such thing as a friend. There were people you could chill with and have a good time with, but if you let them get too close, they'd fuck your world up. I came to this conclusion based on my past friendships, not only because of what my "friends" had done to me, but also because of what I had done to other people who I considered my dearest friends. Somehow, being close to people has always brought misery. So I poured myself into Heather with the delusion that I was bettering myself; I was letting go of all the bullshit that I had been carrying around with me since forever. The reality of it was, though, that I was letting go of everything. And not because I was fed up with my friendships, but because I was fed up with my life.
At the time, I didn't take responsibility for the bad shit that happened to me. Or that I caused. Rarely do things just happen to people...most of the time, some way or another, they cause it. I caused a lot of bad shit. And I put the back of my hand to my forehead with a dramatic "why me" because I was too childish and selfish, and I'm sure a few other descriptive words that end with "ish", to acknowledge that I was the reason for my own struggle. The two years that followed were extremely bumpy and mostly uphill. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I grew up. I don't really know what happened. I just had an epiphany and was all of sudden different in my own mind. I wish I could say that it was because I had done a lot of soul searching and philisophical thinking and that I worked really hard to come to this enlightenment. Nope. Just *poof* and I was different. Don't get me wrong, I had done a lot of soul searching, but to no avail. I always ended up right back where I started. For some reason, the cycle just broke. I guess if you climb up and down a rope enough times, sooner or later it'll snap.
For the past few months I've been bored. I want to do stuff. I want to hang out with people again. I want to go out in big groups and cut up. I want to be in a conversation with someone standing across from me while two people to either side of me are in a separate conversation. I want friends.
It's really difficult for me to find friends that I can relate to. I had one once. I pushed her away. Actually, I pretty much drove my fist through her chest, grabbed her heart and pushed her backwards out a 50-story window without letting go of her lifeforce. She fell to the ground with a splat before I realized what I had done....or before I cared, I don't know which. And even once I did accept that I had killed a very special part of her, I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to put forth enough effort to try to save her. We went our separate ways. I truly hope that whatever pain I caused her was for a reason. There's no reason that I can give, but hopefully she experienced what I did to her and somehow became a better person for having to overcome it. She did nothing to cause that. That was one of those rare occasions where it just happened to her.
That happened to me once too. Someone came into my life and killed me. She killed every last fiber of my being. She took from me all that I cared about and all that I lived for. I have never felt so much hate as I did toward her. I would have joyfully tied her to a pole with barbed wire in the center of a concrete cell, burned her clothes off of her and then put out the fire, slashed her face with jagged, rusty pieces of aluminum cans and splashed it with salt water, dug out her vagina with a fork, clipped her clitoris off with fingernail clippers, caught the blood that poured out of her in a bucket and made her drink it, which would hopefully cause her to vomit so that I could wipe it up with a towel and use it to gag her. Then I would have dunked one of her arms in gasoline and set it on fire, put the fire out before it spread to the rest of her body, pulled the blackend skin off of the arm like the burnt outside of a roasted marshmallow, and fed it to her. Oh, it could have gone on for days, hell, maybe even weeks. There wasn't enough torture in a psycho's mind to give her all that she deserved. I could have done all that and slept like a baby every night. I'd probably even dream up more things to put on the torture list for the next day. Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
I know you, the reader, are probably wide-eyed with disbelief and just now exhaling the breath you were holding while reading that last paragraph. I completely understand. After all, how could someone have such thoughts and be free to roam around in society? It's okay...I'm on medication. Rest easy, my friends. Those hideous urges are long gone. For you see, that girl not only ruined my life, but saved it at the same time. All the loathing and repulsion that I harbored for her dampened my quality of life. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I let it go. The negativity that I carried with me evaporated. I have even thought about sitting down with her and having a little chat. I'd really like to know more about what goes on inside her head. I'm sure she wouldn't want to know the same about me!
I have absolutely no problem admitting that I'm crazy. It is precisely this that affirms my sanity. Insane people think they are the only ones who are normal and the rest of the world is what is fucked up.
What was the point of all that again? Oh, yeah...I'm lonely. Hmmm....I wonder why I have no friends.
But seriously, folks, I really am a very kind-hearted person. I'm sensitive and caring. I value life, mine and that of all people. I do believe that there are some people who are a waste of healthy organs, but I would defend their right to life, nonetheless. I realize that my thoughts are a bit scary to the outsider. In here, though, everything makes perfect sense. In here, in my mind, I am at peace. There are no characteristics about myself that I am ashamed for people to know. Nothing I would worry about the press getting their hands on if I ever ran for president (which, of course, I wouldn't because I hate politics and all the hypocrisy that it requires). This blog is to me as confession is to Catholics. I'm sure it wouldn't kill me to say a few Hail Marys just for shits and giggles, but I don't know the words.
I know that to have friends, I have to make the effort in the friendship. And effort involves time. Which I do not have. So I guess until my obligations thin out, I'm just gonna be bored. I'm really ok with that most of the time. I have so much other shit that I should be doing. I do know, though, that if you don't cut loose (foot loose, kick off your sunday shoes...) every once in a while, you can lose your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm half way there.
Right now I want to talk about how lonely I am. I don't mean in the sense that nobody's around and I don't want to be by myself. I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy a little alone time. What I mean now when I say I'm lonely is that I have no friends. My life consists of going to work, doing homework, going to school, spending time with the kids (though not nearly enough), and trying very unsuccessfully to keep my house in a state that won't be deemed a health and safety hazard by the government.
I miss going out. I miss having people over. I miss making spur of the moment plans and getting excited. I've become dull.
When I first stopped hanging out with people, it was because I decided that there was no such thing as a friend. There were people you could chill with and have a good time with, but if you let them get too close, they'd fuck your world up. I came to this conclusion based on my past friendships, not only because of what my "friends" had done to me, but also because of what I had done to other people who I considered my dearest friends. Somehow, being close to people has always brought misery. So I poured myself into Heather with the delusion that I was bettering myself; I was letting go of all the bullshit that I had been carrying around with me since forever. The reality of it was, though, that I was letting go of everything. And not because I was fed up with my friendships, but because I was fed up with my life.
At the time, I didn't take responsibility for the bad shit that happened to me. Or that I caused. Rarely do things just happen to people...most of the time, some way or another, they cause it. I caused a lot of bad shit. And I put the back of my hand to my forehead with a dramatic "why me" because I was too childish and selfish, and I'm sure a few other descriptive words that end with "ish", to acknowledge that I was the reason for my own struggle. The two years that followed were extremely bumpy and mostly uphill. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I grew up. I don't really know what happened. I just had an epiphany and was all of sudden different in my own mind. I wish I could say that it was because I had done a lot of soul searching and philisophical thinking and that I worked really hard to come to this enlightenment. Nope. Just *poof* and I was different. Don't get me wrong, I had done a lot of soul searching, but to no avail. I always ended up right back where I started. For some reason, the cycle just broke. I guess if you climb up and down a rope enough times, sooner or later it'll snap.
For the past few months I've been bored. I want to do stuff. I want to hang out with people again. I want to go out in big groups and cut up. I want to be in a conversation with someone standing across from me while two people to either side of me are in a separate conversation. I want friends.
It's really difficult for me to find friends that I can relate to. I had one once. I pushed her away. Actually, I pretty much drove my fist through her chest, grabbed her heart and pushed her backwards out a 50-story window without letting go of her lifeforce. She fell to the ground with a splat before I realized what I had done....or before I cared, I don't know which. And even once I did accept that I had killed a very special part of her, I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to put forth enough effort to try to save her. We went our separate ways. I truly hope that whatever pain I caused her was for a reason. There's no reason that I can give, but hopefully she experienced what I did to her and somehow became a better person for having to overcome it. She did nothing to cause that. That was one of those rare occasions where it just happened to her.
That happened to me once too. Someone came into my life and killed me. She killed every last fiber of my being. She took from me all that I cared about and all that I lived for. I have never felt so much hate as I did toward her. I would have joyfully tied her to a pole with barbed wire in the center of a concrete cell, burned her clothes off of her and then put out the fire, slashed her face with jagged, rusty pieces of aluminum cans and splashed it with salt water, dug out her vagina with a fork, clipped her clitoris off with fingernail clippers, caught the blood that poured out of her in a bucket and made her drink it, which would hopefully cause her to vomit so that I could wipe it up with a towel and use it to gag her. Then I would have dunked one of her arms in gasoline and set it on fire, put the fire out before it spread to the rest of her body, pulled the blackend skin off of the arm like the burnt outside of a roasted marshmallow, and fed it to her. Oh, it could have gone on for days, hell, maybe even weeks. There wasn't enough torture in a psycho's mind to give her all that she deserved. I could have done all that and slept like a baby every night. I'd probably even dream up more things to put on the torture list for the next day. Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
I know you, the reader, are probably wide-eyed with disbelief and just now exhaling the breath you were holding while reading that last paragraph. I completely understand. After all, how could someone have such thoughts and be free to roam around in society? It's okay...I'm on medication. Rest easy, my friends. Those hideous urges are long gone. For you see, that girl not only ruined my life, but saved it at the same time. All the loathing and repulsion that I harbored for her dampened my quality of life. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I let it go. The negativity that I carried with me evaporated. I have even thought about sitting down with her and having a little chat. I'd really like to know more about what goes on inside her head. I'm sure she wouldn't want to know the same about me!
I have absolutely no problem admitting that I'm crazy. It is precisely this that affirms my sanity. Insane people think they are the only ones who are normal and the rest of the world is what is fucked up.
What was the point of all that again? Oh, yeah...I'm lonely. Hmmm....I wonder why I have no friends.
But seriously, folks, I really am a very kind-hearted person. I'm sensitive and caring. I value life, mine and that of all people. I do believe that there are some people who are a waste of healthy organs, but I would defend their right to life, nonetheless. I realize that my thoughts are a bit scary to the outsider. In here, though, everything makes perfect sense. In here, in my mind, I am at peace. There are no characteristics about myself that I am ashamed for people to know. Nothing I would worry about the press getting their hands on if I ever ran for president (which, of course, I wouldn't because I hate politics and all the hypocrisy that it requires). This blog is to me as confession is to Catholics. I'm sure it wouldn't kill me to say a few Hail Marys just for shits and giggles, but I don't know the words.
I know that to have friends, I have to make the effort in the friendship. And effort involves time. Which I do not have. So I guess until my obligations thin out, I'm just gonna be bored. I'm really ok with that most of the time. I have so much other shit that I should be doing. I do know, though, that if you don't cut loose (foot loose, kick off your sunday shoes...) every once in a while, you can lose your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm half way there.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just catching up...
So much has been going on. I never have time to write so I'm gonna have a lot to catch up on. Here goes...
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
Monday, November 21, 2011
This is who I am...
I just finished my Psy/390 class. This is the first class that I have gotten all my work in on time since....well, I don't even remember. I feel really good about it. I know I'm not going to be able to pull an 'A' because I did miss a day so that was 4 points. And then that same night I missed was a presentation so I lost 3 points for not actually presenting. I left early twice, 2 points each. So that's 11 all together there. I'll have a low 'B' but I'm okay with that because I know that the only reason my grade will be so low is attendance. It felt really good these past 5 weeks, not being stressed out all the time, not frantically trying to throw together some sorry excuse for an assignment because I waited until the last minute. I felt more like me. Not entirely, but more.
This class was also good for me in another way. We explored ourselves a little bit while studying different methods of therapy and I got a nice little reality check. Sort of. It's not that I was trying to overlook the reality or avoid it, I just honestly hadn't realized that the reality was so. It was pointed out to me that I still have a lot of overcoming to do. My instructor told me that I haven't been living my life; I've been surviving. And there is a difference. She asked me to define who I am. My answer was similar to most people's in my shoes, I'm sure. I'm a Mother, a Friend, a Niece, a Partner, a Student...stuff like that. Then she pointed out that I am defining myself by my roles in my environment. I am attaching the stuff that affects me from the outside to who I am on the inside. And those are not the same. So I decided to define myself. As a person. Not as who I am to others, but as who I am to myself. This is an ongoing project that will, undoubtedly, last the rest of my life. That's because people change constantly and who I am will change too. For now though, this is who I am...
I am a Woman.
I am passionate about many things: learning, advancing, teaching; equal rights to United States Citizens; humane treatment of animals; empowering myself; empowering America's youth.
I am One with Nature, with Mother Earth and the Infinite and Eternal Powers that Be. I am in tune with myself and with both the energy that I elicit and also that which I recieve.
I am strong-minded, yet flexible. I am open to other views, but I stand by what makes sense and what I believe is just and good.
I am patriotic. I love the freedom that I am fortunate enough to enjoy and I acknowledge and appreciate the countless sacrifices that have been made to ensure that freedom.
I am forward. I believe in being as honest outwardly as I am in my own mind.
I am self-conscious, though what about changes depending on my mood.
-my strength
-my parenting
-my intelligence
-my emotions
-my decisions
I am loud and boisturous.
I am confident.
I am friendly.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am quiet and reserved.
I am irritable.
I can be several of these all at once.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover of an array of music and literature.
I am comfortable with myself, as I am...even if I am insecure and needy.
I am a contridiction to myself.
And I like it that way.
I love that I can express adoration and loathing in the same breath.
I'm beautiful when I cry. I'm beautiful, period. I'm beautiful inside and out, but I do have blemishes, inside and out.
I respect myself.
I love myself.
I am proud to be who I am.
The things that I would change about myself:
I need to be more patient with my kids.
I need to be more understanding of close-minded people.
I need to be less judgemental.
I need to be more motivated.
And I will be.
This is who I am.
This class was also good for me in another way. We explored ourselves a little bit while studying different methods of therapy and I got a nice little reality check. Sort of. It's not that I was trying to overlook the reality or avoid it, I just honestly hadn't realized that the reality was so. It was pointed out to me that I still have a lot of overcoming to do. My instructor told me that I haven't been living my life; I've been surviving. And there is a difference. She asked me to define who I am. My answer was similar to most people's in my shoes, I'm sure. I'm a Mother, a Friend, a Niece, a Partner, a Student...stuff like that. Then she pointed out that I am defining myself by my roles in my environment. I am attaching the stuff that affects me from the outside to who I am on the inside. And those are not the same. So I decided to define myself. As a person. Not as who I am to others, but as who I am to myself. This is an ongoing project that will, undoubtedly, last the rest of my life. That's because people change constantly and who I am will change too. For now though, this is who I am...
I am a Woman.
I am passionate about many things: learning, advancing, teaching; equal rights to United States Citizens; humane treatment of animals; empowering myself; empowering America's youth.
I am One with Nature, with Mother Earth and the Infinite and Eternal Powers that Be. I am in tune with myself and with both the energy that I elicit and also that which I recieve.
I am strong-minded, yet flexible. I am open to other views, but I stand by what makes sense and what I believe is just and good.
I am patriotic. I love the freedom that I am fortunate enough to enjoy and I acknowledge and appreciate the countless sacrifices that have been made to ensure that freedom.
I am forward. I believe in being as honest outwardly as I am in my own mind.
I am self-conscious, though what about changes depending on my mood.
-my strength
-my parenting
-my intelligence
-my emotions
-my decisions
I am loud and boisturous.
I am confident.
I am friendly.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am quiet and reserved.
I am irritable.
I can be several of these all at once.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover of an array of music and literature.
I am comfortable with myself, as I am...even if I am insecure and needy.
I am a contridiction to myself.
And I like it that way.
I love that I can express adoration and loathing in the same breath.
I'm beautiful when I cry. I'm beautiful, period. I'm beautiful inside and out, but I do have blemishes, inside and out.
I respect myself.
I love myself.
I am proud to be who I am.
The things that I would change about myself:
I need to be more patient with my kids.
I need to be more understanding of close-minded people.
I need to be less judgemental.
I need to be more motivated.
And I will be.
This is who I am.
This is How Crazy I Am...
I stumbled across a couple of poems while looking for something else. I read the first one and remembered how down I was at that time. Then I read the next one and actually laughed out loud. It's the complete opposite! I'm such a basket case. They're dated 5 months apart, to the day. I suppose I'll share....
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
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