I stumbled across a couple of poems while looking for something else. I read the first one and remembered how down I was at that time. Then I read the next one and actually laughed out loud. It's the complete opposite! I'm such a basket case. They're dated 5 months apart, to the day. I suppose I'll share....
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
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