For the past week or so, I've been going to the "notepad" feature on my dumbphone to jot down a few words here and there that will remind me of stuff to write about when I get the chance. I just looked at it because I have a chance to write, but none of that stuff seems very important anymore. I wanted to bitch about work and stupid people of varying origins...I was going to give a little update on the animals (we now have 3)...I had planned on ranting about my opinions regarding people getting pregnant and having kids while on welfare (I will still probably rant about that, but not right now).
Right now I want to talk about how lonely I am. I don't mean in the sense that nobody's around and I don't want to be by myself. I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy a little alone time. What I mean now when I say I'm lonely is that I have no friends. My life consists of going to work, doing homework, going to school, spending time with the kids (though not nearly enough), and trying very unsuccessfully to keep my house in a state that won't be deemed a health and safety hazard by the government.
I miss going out. I miss having people over. I miss making spur of the moment plans and getting excited. I've become dull.
When I first stopped hanging out with people, it was because I decided that there was no such thing as a friend. There were people you could chill with and have a good time with, but if you let them get too close, they'd fuck your world up. I came to this conclusion based on my past friendships, not only because of what my "friends" had done to me, but also because of what I had done to other people who I considered my dearest friends. Somehow, being close to people has always brought misery. So I poured myself into Heather with the delusion that I was bettering myself; I was letting go of all the bullshit that I had been carrying around with me since forever. The reality of it was, though, that I was letting go of everything. And not because I was fed up with my friendships, but because I was fed up with my life.
At the time, I didn't take responsibility for the bad shit that happened to me. Or that I caused. Rarely do things just happen to people...most of the time, some way or another, they cause it. I caused a lot of bad shit. And I put the back of my hand to my forehead with a dramatic "why me" because I was too childish and selfish, and I'm sure a few other descriptive words that end with "ish", to acknowledge that I was the reason for my own struggle. The two years that followed were extremely bumpy and mostly uphill. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I grew up. I don't really know what happened. I just had an epiphany and was all of sudden different in my own mind. I wish I could say that it was because I had done a lot of soul searching and philisophical thinking and that I worked really hard to come to this enlightenment. Nope. Just *poof* and I was different. Don't get me wrong, I had done a lot of soul searching, but to no avail. I always ended up right back where I started. For some reason, the cycle just broke. I guess if you climb up and down a rope enough times, sooner or later it'll snap.
For the past few months I've been bored. I want to do stuff. I want to hang out with people again. I want to go out in big groups and cut up. I want to be in a conversation with someone standing across from me while two people to either side of me are in a separate conversation. I want friends.
It's really difficult for me to find friends that I can relate to. I had one once. I pushed her away. Actually, I pretty much drove my fist through her chest, grabbed her heart and pushed her backwards out a 50-story window without letting go of her lifeforce. She fell to the ground with a splat before I realized what I had done....or before I cared, I don't know which. And even once I did accept that I had killed a very special part of her, I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to put forth enough effort to try to save her. We went our separate ways. I truly hope that whatever pain I caused her was for a reason. There's no reason that I can give, but hopefully she experienced what I did to her and somehow became a better person for having to overcome it. She did nothing to cause that. That was one of those rare occasions where it just happened to her.
That happened to me once too. Someone came into my life and killed me. She killed every last fiber of my being. She took from me all that I cared about and all that I lived for. I have never felt so much hate as I did toward her. I would have joyfully tied her to a pole with barbed wire in the center of a concrete cell, burned her clothes off of her and then put out the fire, slashed her face with jagged, rusty pieces of aluminum cans and splashed it with salt water, dug out her vagina with a fork, clipped her clitoris off with fingernail clippers, caught the blood that poured out of her in a bucket and made her drink it, which would hopefully cause her to vomit so that I could wipe it up with a towel and use it to gag her. Then I would have dunked one of her arms in gasoline and set it on fire, put the fire out before it spread to the rest of her body, pulled the blackend skin off of the arm like the burnt outside of a roasted marshmallow, and fed it to her. Oh, it could have gone on for days, hell, maybe even weeks. There wasn't enough torture in a psycho's mind to give her all that she deserved. I could have done all that and slept like a baby every night. I'd probably even dream up more things to put on the torture list for the next day. Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
I know you, the reader, are probably wide-eyed with disbelief and just now exhaling the breath you were holding while reading that last paragraph. I completely understand. After all, how could someone have such thoughts and be free to roam around in society? It's okay...I'm on medication. Rest easy, my friends. Those hideous urges are long gone. For you see, that girl not only ruined my life, but saved it at the same time. All the loathing and repulsion that I harbored for her dampened my quality of life. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I let it go. The negativity that I carried with me evaporated. I have even thought about sitting down with her and having a little chat. I'd really like to know more about what goes on inside her head. I'm sure she wouldn't want to know the same about me!
I have absolutely no problem admitting that I'm crazy. It is precisely this that affirms my sanity. Insane people think they are the only ones who are normal and the rest of the world is what is fucked up.
What was the point of all that again? Oh, yeah...I'm lonely. Hmmm....I wonder why I have no friends.
But seriously, folks, I really am a very kind-hearted person. I'm sensitive and caring. I value life, mine and that of all people. I do believe that there are some people who are a waste of healthy organs, but I would defend their right to life, nonetheless. I realize that my thoughts are a bit scary to the outsider. In here, though, everything makes perfect sense. In here, in my mind, I am at peace. There are no characteristics about myself that I am ashamed for people to know. Nothing I would worry about the press getting their hands on if I ever ran for president (which, of course, I wouldn't because I hate politics and all the hypocrisy that it requires). This blog is to me as confession is to Catholics. I'm sure it wouldn't kill me to say a few Hail Marys just for shits and giggles, but I don't know the words.
I know that to have friends, I have to make the effort in the friendship. And effort involves time. Which I do not have. So I guess until my obligations thin out, I'm just gonna be bored. I'm really ok with that most of the time. I have so much other shit that I should be doing. I do know, though, that if you don't cut loose (foot loose, kick off your sunday shoes...) every once in a while, you can lose your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm half way there.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just catching up...
So much has been going on. I never have time to write so I'm gonna have a lot to catch up on. Here goes...
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
Monday, November 21, 2011
This is who I am...
I just finished my Psy/390 class. This is the first class that I have gotten all my work in on time since....well, I don't even remember. I feel really good about it. I know I'm not going to be able to pull an 'A' because I did miss a day so that was 4 points. And then that same night I missed was a presentation so I lost 3 points for not actually presenting. I left early twice, 2 points each. So that's 11 all together there. I'll have a low 'B' but I'm okay with that because I know that the only reason my grade will be so low is attendance. It felt really good these past 5 weeks, not being stressed out all the time, not frantically trying to throw together some sorry excuse for an assignment because I waited until the last minute. I felt more like me. Not entirely, but more.
This class was also good for me in another way. We explored ourselves a little bit while studying different methods of therapy and I got a nice little reality check. Sort of. It's not that I was trying to overlook the reality or avoid it, I just honestly hadn't realized that the reality was so. It was pointed out to me that I still have a lot of overcoming to do. My instructor told me that I haven't been living my life; I've been surviving. And there is a difference. She asked me to define who I am. My answer was similar to most people's in my shoes, I'm sure. I'm a Mother, a Friend, a Niece, a Partner, a Student...stuff like that. Then she pointed out that I am defining myself by my roles in my environment. I am attaching the stuff that affects me from the outside to who I am on the inside. And those are not the same. So I decided to define myself. As a person. Not as who I am to others, but as who I am to myself. This is an ongoing project that will, undoubtedly, last the rest of my life. That's because people change constantly and who I am will change too. For now though, this is who I am...
I am a Woman.
I am passionate about many things: learning, advancing, teaching; equal rights to United States Citizens; humane treatment of animals; empowering myself; empowering America's youth.
I am One with Nature, with Mother Earth and the Infinite and Eternal Powers that Be. I am in tune with myself and with both the energy that I elicit and also that which I recieve.
I am strong-minded, yet flexible. I am open to other views, but I stand by what makes sense and what I believe is just and good.
I am patriotic. I love the freedom that I am fortunate enough to enjoy and I acknowledge and appreciate the countless sacrifices that have been made to ensure that freedom.
I am forward. I believe in being as honest outwardly as I am in my own mind.
I am self-conscious, though what about changes depending on my mood.
-my strength
-my parenting
-my intelligence
-my emotions
-my decisions
I am loud and boisturous.
I am confident.
I am friendly.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am quiet and reserved.
I am irritable.
I can be several of these all at once.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover of an array of music and literature.
I am comfortable with myself, as I am...even if I am insecure and needy.
I am a contridiction to myself.
And I like it that way.
I love that I can express adoration and loathing in the same breath.
I'm beautiful when I cry. I'm beautiful, period. I'm beautiful inside and out, but I do have blemishes, inside and out.
I respect myself.
I love myself.
I am proud to be who I am.
The things that I would change about myself:
I need to be more patient with my kids.
I need to be more understanding of close-minded people.
I need to be less judgemental.
I need to be more motivated.
And I will be.
This is who I am.
This class was also good for me in another way. We explored ourselves a little bit while studying different methods of therapy and I got a nice little reality check. Sort of. It's not that I was trying to overlook the reality or avoid it, I just honestly hadn't realized that the reality was so. It was pointed out to me that I still have a lot of overcoming to do. My instructor told me that I haven't been living my life; I've been surviving. And there is a difference. She asked me to define who I am. My answer was similar to most people's in my shoes, I'm sure. I'm a Mother, a Friend, a Niece, a Partner, a Student...stuff like that. Then she pointed out that I am defining myself by my roles in my environment. I am attaching the stuff that affects me from the outside to who I am on the inside. And those are not the same. So I decided to define myself. As a person. Not as who I am to others, but as who I am to myself. This is an ongoing project that will, undoubtedly, last the rest of my life. That's because people change constantly and who I am will change too. For now though, this is who I am...
I am a Woman.
I am passionate about many things: learning, advancing, teaching; equal rights to United States Citizens; humane treatment of animals; empowering myself; empowering America's youth.
I am One with Nature, with Mother Earth and the Infinite and Eternal Powers that Be. I am in tune with myself and with both the energy that I elicit and also that which I recieve.
I am strong-minded, yet flexible. I am open to other views, but I stand by what makes sense and what I believe is just and good.
I am patriotic. I love the freedom that I am fortunate enough to enjoy and I acknowledge and appreciate the countless sacrifices that have been made to ensure that freedom.
I am forward. I believe in being as honest outwardly as I am in my own mind.
I am self-conscious, though what about changes depending on my mood.
-my strength
-my parenting
-my intelligence
-my emotions
-my decisions
I am loud and boisturous.
I am confident.
I am friendly.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am quiet and reserved.
I am irritable.
I can be several of these all at once.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover of an array of music and literature.
I am comfortable with myself, as I am...even if I am insecure and needy.
I am a contridiction to myself.
And I like it that way.
I love that I can express adoration and loathing in the same breath.
I'm beautiful when I cry. I'm beautiful, period. I'm beautiful inside and out, but I do have blemishes, inside and out.
I respect myself.
I love myself.
I am proud to be who I am.
The things that I would change about myself:
I need to be more patient with my kids.
I need to be more understanding of close-minded people.
I need to be less judgemental.
I need to be more motivated.
And I will be.
This is who I am.
This is How Crazy I Am...
I stumbled across a couple of poems while looking for something else. I read the first one and remembered how down I was at that time. Then I read the next one and actually laughed out loud. It's the complete opposite! I'm such a basket case. They're dated 5 months apart, to the day. I suppose I'll share....
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
And now, what you've all been waiting for....
I have had two people comment about my lack of a recent blog entry in the past week so I guess I better get to it. The main reason I haven't written lately is because there's nothing to report. I guess I'm gonna just write for writing's sake and if I repeat shit I've already bitched about, tough shit. You all know where the little "x" in the top right corner of the browser window is.
I can't make up my mind how I feel about work. One day it's not so bad and the next it's unbearable. Never is there a good day. I desperately want out of food service. I don't know why it bother's me so much, but I feel like I'm better than this. Not that working in food service is a bad thing. Some people like it. I even like it to an extent. But it's not where I want to be. It's not like I'm there every day working toward something. There's no goal associated with going into that place. I know I'm just biding time until I get my degree and can get into the field I want, but it feels more like wasting time.
I don't know how Heather does it. I guess the fact that she fully intends to own Sub Depot someday is her motivation. She's passionate about that store. She's not just wasting time in a dead end job. She's learning more and more about how to run a business, and eventually, that's what she'll do. I'm not learning anything or contributing anything that will help me or the field I will enter. I'm too intelligent and passionate to be dilly-dallying around a damn gas station sub shop.
Something else that has me hot about that place is the fact that everyone on payroll is required to work Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all have to work at least a 4-hour shift and we don't have any input as to what the hours will be. I can deal with having to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not happy about it, but I can deal. I will have to find something else by mid-December. Wish me luck.
Nothing really new with the kids. They're still doing well in school, with the exception of Bai's behavior. She's still getting in trouble a lot. I'm sure that will continue until we break down and dope her up like we had to do with Jacob. ADHD is hereditary and having one child with it more than doubles the chance of other children from the same two parents having it. William was never diagnosed with it, but he does admit to being very talkative and out of his seat all through school. I think if he did have it, he grew out of it, as is often the case. Rarely does ADHD carry over into adulthood. Face it, William...I'm not the only one passing down crazy genes to our kids.
My cat is about to need a new home. I love Bella. Truly, I do. However, I will not tolerate the soiling of my floors! She has been pissing on the bathroom rug and/or any towels that happen to be in the floor in there. Her litter box is two feet away. It's unacceptable. The only reason I can think of that she would be doing that is if she has a urinary tract infection of some sort and associates the pain of urinating with the litter box. That would explain why she would go elsewhere to pee. I know that happened to my aunt's cat so I need to take Bella to the vet. Once I get her checked out and fixed up, if she still does it, out she goes! I just now finally got the amonia smell from babygirl's accidents out of the apartment. I'm not having it again. So I'll let ya know how that turns out and I might have a beautiful, affectionate, fun-loving siamese cat free to a good home.
I'm feeling better about school. For a good 20 weeks or so, I didn't turn in a single assignment on time. Sometimes I didn't turn one in at all. I allowed myself to get Cs when I am perfectly capable of maintaining As. Well now that I've started this new class, I have stayed on top of my work. I'm only in week 3, but so far, so good. It feels so much better to get things done and turned in on time. No unnecessary stress. Stress is bad.
Another contributing factor to my stress is gone as well. I finally got that money from my student loan reimbursment so I was able to pay off all that crap that had been piling up. I think the best part of it is knowing my car is fixed. I got my tags renewed and I'm street legal again!
Heather's back has been killing her lately. Her doctor sent her to a pain management clinic, which gave her a high dosage of flexeril (muscle relaxer) and 800mg Ibuprofen tablets, both to take twice a day. She's also got this gel stuff that has to be rubbed on her back before she goes to bed. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do but it seems to be working a little. She's been better able to move around in the last week than she has in a long time. She goes back to the pain clinic tomorrow to get trigger point injections. There will be 5-7 injections into her spine. Sounds fun, right? I hope this shit helps. I know she's tired of being miserable.
There's not really anything else going on. I'm gonna try to get started figuring out what to get the kids for christmas. I know I want to get them bikes, but I am a broke ass so I'll have to price some out. Other than that, I don't know. All Jacob wants for Christmas is his two front teeth. Not really. I'm sure he wants everything he sees, but he is missing his front teeth so that song is appropriate. Bai hasn't given any hints about what she wants. I guess I'll have to flat out ask her. For all the good it'll do. Most of the time when I ask either one of them what they want, they start naming off all kinds of expensive shit I'll never be able to afford. Can't kids just want things like a jump rope, a barbie doll, a frizbee, maybe a "grow your own crystals" set...something simple and cheap? I remember when they were over the moon for a slinky or silly putty. Ah, good times, good times.
So I guess I'm out for now. I'll try not to keep my avid readers waiting so long next time. Sheesh. You'd think I was the author of something interesting. Don't I wish!
I can't make up my mind how I feel about work. One day it's not so bad and the next it's unbearable. Never is there a good day. I desperately want out of food service. I don't know why it bother's me so much, but I feel like I'm better than this. Not that working in food service is a bad thing. Some people like it. I even like it to an extent. But it's not where I want to be. It's not like I'm there every day working toward something. There's no goal associated with going into that place. I know I'm just biding time until I get my degree and can get into the field I want, but it feels more like wasting time.
I don't know how Heather does it. I guess the fact that she fully intends to own Sub Depot someday is her motivation. She's passionate about that store. She's not just wasting time in a dead end job. She's learning more and more about how to run a business, and eventually, that's what she'll do. I'm not learning anything or contributing anything that will help me or the field I will enter. I'm too intelligent and passionate to be dilly-dallying around a damn gas station sub shop.
Something else that has me hot about that place is the fact that everyone on payroll is required to work Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all have to work at least a 4-hour shift and we don't have any input as to what the hours will be. I can deal with having to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not happy about it, but I can deal. I will have to find something else by mid-December. Wish me luck.
Nothing really new with the kids. They're still doing well in school, with the exception of Bai's behavior. She's still getting in trouble a lot. I'm sure that will continue until we break down and dope her up like we had to do with Jacob. ADHD is hereditary and having one child with it more than doubles the chance of other children from the same two parents having it. William was never diagnosed with it, but he does admit to being very talkative and out of his seat all through school. I think if he did have it, he grew out of it, as is often the case. Rarely does ADHD carry over into adulthood. Face it, William...I'm not the only one passing down crazy genes to our kids.
My cat is about to need a new home. I love Bella. Truly, I do. However, I will not tolerate the soiling of my floors! She has been pissing on the bathroom rug and/or any towels that happen to be in the floor in there. Her litter box is two feet away. It's unacceptable. The only reason I can think of that she would be doing that is if she has a urinary tract infection of some sort and associates the pain of urinating with the litter box. That would explain why she would go elsewhere to pee. I know that happened to my aunt's cat so I need to take Bella to the vet. Once I get her checked out and fixed up, if she still does it, out she goes! I just now finally got the amonia smell from babygirl's accidents out of the apartment. I'm not having it again. So I'll let ya know how that turns out and I might have a beautiful, affectionate, fun-loving siamese cat free to a good home.
I'm feeling better about school. For a good 20 weeks or so, I didn't turn in a single assignment on time. Sometimes I didn't turn one in at all. I allowed myself to get Cs when I am perfectly capable of maintaining As. Well now that I've started this new class, I have stayed on top of my work. I'm only in week 3, but so far, so good. It feels so much better to get things done and turned in on time. No unnecessary stress. Stress is bad.
Another contributing factor to my stress is gone as well. I finally got that money from my student loan reimbursment so I was able to pay off all that crap that had been piling up. I think the best part of it is knowing my car is fixed. I got my tags renewed and I'm street legal again!
Heather's back has been killing her lately. Her doctor sent her to a pain management clinic, which gave her a high dosage of flexeril (muscle relaxer) and 800mg Ibuprofen tablets, both to take twice a day. She's also got this gel stuff that has to be rubbed on her back before she goes to bed. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do but it seems to be working a little. She's been better able to move around in the last week than she has in a long time. She goes back to the pain clinic tomorrow to get trigger point injections. There will be 5-7 injections into her spine. Sounds fun, right? I hope this shit helps. I know she's tired of being miserable.
There's not really anything else going on. I'm gonna try to get started figuring out what to get the kids for christmas. I know I want to get them bikes, but I am a broke ass so I'll have to price some out. Other than that, I don't know. All Jacob wants for Christmas is his two front teeth. Not really. I'm sure he wants everything he sees, but he is missing his front teeth so that song is appropriate. Bai hasn't given any hints about what she wants. I guess I'll have to flat out ask her. For all the good it'll do. Most of the time when I ask either one of them what they want, they start naming off all kinds of expensive shit I'll never be able to afford. Can't kids just want things like a jump rope, a barbie doll, a frizbee, maybe a "grow your own crystals" set...something simple and cheap? I remember when they were over the moon for a slinky or silly putty. Ah, good times, good times.
So I guess I'm out for now. I'll try not to keep my avid readers waiting so long next time. Sheesh. You'd think I was the author of something interesting. Don't I wish!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A Mother's Guilt
There's a bitch fight going on inside me. My hormones are blaming my neurotransmitters for my emotional instability. My neurotransmitters are saying it's the hormones' fault. Briefly, they agreed that is was the outside influence of stress, but when the neurotransmitters pointed out that stress releases cortisol, the primary stress hormone, the hormones as a group got defensive and they continue battling it out.
I left class early last night. I just couldn't do it. I should have stayed, but I would have been in tears and distracting everyone the entire time so I just came home. We were discussing the early and middle adult years of life span development and the topic was about children. Some people said they were glad to have had their kids early so they can enjoy their middle aged years without having to take care of young ones. I disagreed. I wish I had waited. When I pointed out that I had pretty much ruined my life by having kids so soon, everyone tried to comfort me by telling me how much my kids will respect me for my sacrifices to raise them and how the fact that I'm in school and working hard will set a good example for them. I'd have probably said the same thing to someone in that situation. Being on the recieving end of that advice, though, I don't see it that way. My kids, especially Jacob, take advantage of every opportunity to remind me that I'm neglecting them. I'm not meaning to. And I wish I could stop. I know what I'm doing to them and how they see me, but what can I do about it?
I don't resent my children for the fact that I had them young. I resent myself. I hate myself for not seeing the big picture. I'm disappointed in myself for not having the sense to make a backup plan in case the life I wanted and was working toward didn't happen. It didn't happen. I was foolish to think it would. But who doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses when they're 19? Eight years ago, I knew everything there was to know about life. I knew that it would be hard, but that I could handle it and everything would turn out like I planned for it to. I was the center of the universe and anything I wanted would happen.
I was in the 2nd semester of my freshman year of college. I was in love with the same guy I'd been in love with for the previous 6 years. We were young and carefree and we could conquer the world if we wanted to. We were better than our parents. We had learned from their mistakes. We were smarter. We got pregnant on purpose and got married within a week. We learned about the pregnancy 3 days after we tied the knot and we were happy.
What the fuck was I thinking? I was thinking that it would last forever, that ignorant sense of security. I was thinking that if any problems arose, we'd cross that bridge when we got to it. I don't know how I could have been so stupid.
I was planning to stay in school. I was supposed to have delivered the baby during the break between the 1st and 2nd semester of the following school year, and I was going to start back in January like I was supposed to. No break. I don't know what I was planning as far as childcare. As far as I remember, the thought never even crossed my mind. William was in Iraq, not that it mattered because I had lost my mind and hated him at that time. It didn't work out that way at all. Jacob came in late August, 15 weeks early, 2 days into the fall semester of my sophomore year. I withdrew from the university. What choice did I have?
I tried to go back, completed a few classes here and there, but I was never able to stick it out. I wasn't ready to devote myself to it. I'd had another baby and I didn't have the time or the motivation for school. Why did I need a degree? I was a stay-at-home-mom and planned to keep it that way. I'd go back to school when both of the kids were in school. I believed that my marriage was indestructable. We had some issues, but we loved each other so much and we communicated effectively so we'd work it out and everything would be fine. We agreed early on that divorce would never be an option. We both thought we would feel that way forever. I was certain that he would always take care of me so going back to school wasn't a priority.
People change so much in so little time. Or maybe the problem was that people don't change enough. People don't change enough, but their way of thinking changes too much. Our minds and our actions don't evolve together.
It didn't take long for William and I to realize that we'd jumped into life together way too soon. Too late. We tried to make lemonade, we really did. And I don't regret that it didn't work out. I'm thankful to have finally had the opportunity to figure out who I really am. When I was with him, everything was for him. Everything. The thought of losing William was more than I could fathom. He was my world and everything else was second, even the kids. I tried to justify that by saying that our marriage was the foundation for their happiness so that was the most important thing to focus on. As long as William and I were together and happy, the kids would be happy. Every ounce of my energy went into that relationship. I fucked up a lot. He fucked up a lot. We did it over and over again, every time committing to change the cycle. I have learned a lot about who I was then. I have realized what I was doing and why. I don't know what his thought process was and I never will. That's for him to figure out and it doesn't affect me anymore.
Since he and I split, I have backtracked my life. I noticed a pattern to my behavior throughout the marriage, but the pattern went back further. I now know that because of the deep rooted cause of my behavior, no relationship would have worked for me. I now know that resolving that one issue that caused all of this is what it would take for me to be happy.
I was never happy because I was never good enough. I was never worth anything. I was never loved the way I needed to be loved. My first taste of the attention I craved came when I was 11 years old. A family friend, who I had known my whole life, commented on how beautiful I was and how I didn't look my age. I looked at least 15, he said. My body was developing faster than most girls my age and he pointed that out to me with flirty comments and inappropriate touching. He was in his mid to late 20s and attractive. Of course I liked the attention. Here I am, young and inexperienced and he's attracted to me...I must be worth something.
The day came when he went too far and I got nervous and asked him to stop. He didn't at first, but my mother was asleep in another room and I threatened to scream and wake her up. He left me alone. I didn't tell. (several months later, I did end up telling my mom and it caused more drama than I wanted to deal with. nothing ever came of the accusations except a wedge between me and my family members closest to him)
When I made him stop that day, he never tried anything again. He never gave me that attention again either. That single experience shaped me into the teenager and young woman I would become. I craved the attention. I got it anywhere I could. When boys looked at me, I made sure they kept looking. And when I walked, I made sure they followed. Only 2 months later, someone else tried to take it farther than I was ready to go. This time it was a boyfriend, 14 years old to my 11. I remembered what happened when I blocked the progress, so I didn't stop it this time. And I continued to get the attention. As long as I was willing to go where I never should have gone, the boys would always follow. I always had spare. I would have a boyfriend, but there would be 1 or 2 more waiting in line. I never didn't have a boyfriend. This is the pattern that repeated throughout my life.
Being without William forced me to realize who I was and decide what I wanted to be. I never wanted to be who I was...dependent upon someone else for my happiness, pathetically trying to please someone else so that they would want me, clinging to fragments of attention that I confused as affection...I hated that girl.
I don't regret my failed marriage. I needed it, to teach me the truth about myself. To give me the opportunity to redefine myself, to LOVE myself. That's the love I had needed all along, the love I craved, but didn't know where to find.
What I regret is not living. I regret quitting school to have a family. I regret not having anything to show for the past decade of my life. People say, "you do have something to show, you have 2 beautiful kids." Yes, there are 2 beautiful kids that exist, in part, because of me. But I don't have them. I don't tuck them into bed every night and get them ready for school every morning. I don't greet them at the door when they get home and cook them dinner and help them with their homework and participate in school activities. I see them as often as I can, which is nowhere near enough. And they know it. What must they think of me? Do they wonder why I choose work and school over precious time with them? Do they think that they must not be worth anything since I never seem to want to see them? Do they know how much it kills me? Do they know how much I hate myself for not being the mother that they need and deserve?
And we've come full circle. The whole point of all of that was I should have waited to have kids. Not just for myself. I ruined my life by starting too soon, but that I can deal with. That was my fuck up so I deserve to suffer for it. What I can't stand about it is I've affected the lives of those kids negatively. If I had waited, maybe I would have known who I was and what I was worth. If I had waited, I would have had my career in gear and been prepared to take care of myself if the family fell apart. If I had waited, maybe the family wouldn't have fallen apart. If I had waited to bring those children into this world, then they would have had a better life than they will ever have because I was stupid and brought them too soon.
I hope someday I do live up to my own expectations. I hope more than anything that I can live up to Jacob's and Baileigh's.
I left class early last night. I just couldn't do it. I should have stayed, but I would have been in tears and distracting everyone the entire time so I just came home. We were discussing the early and middle adult years of life span development and the topic was about children. Some people said they were glad to have had their kids early so they can enjoy their middle aged years without having to take care of young ones. I disagreed. I wish I had waited. When I pointed out that I had pretty much ruined my life by having kids so soon, everyone tried to comfort me by telling me how much my kids will respect me for my sacrifices to raise them and how the fact that I'm in school and working hard will set a good example for them. I'd have probably said the same thing to someone in that situation. Being on the recieving end of that advice, though, I don't see it that way. My kids, especially Jacob, take advantage of every opportunity to remind me that I'm neglecting them. I'm not meaning to. And I wish I could stop. I know what I'm doing to them and how they see me, but what can I do about it?
I don't resent my children for the fact that I had them young. I resent myself. I hate myself for not seeing the big picture. I'm disappointed in myself for not having the sense to make a backup plan in case the life I wanted and was working toward didn't happen. It didn't happen. I was foolish to think it would. But who doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses when they're 19? Eight years ago, I knew everything there was to know about life. I knew that it would be hard, but that I could handle it and everything would turn out like I planned for it to. I was the center of the universe and anything I wanted would happen.
I was in the 2nd semester of my freshman year of college. I was in love with the same guy I'd been in love with for the previous 6 years. We were young and carefree and we could conquer the world if we wanted to. We were better than our parents. We had learned from their mistakes. We were smarter. We got pregnant on purpose and got married within a week. We learned about the pregnancy 3 days after we tied the knot and we were happy.
What the fuck was I thinking? I was thinking that it would last forever, that ignorant sense of security. I was thinking that if any problems arose, we'd cross that bridge when we got to it. I don't know how I could have been so stupid.
I was planning to stay in school. I was supposed to have delivered the baby during the break between the 1st and 2nd semester of the following school year, and I was going to start back in January like I was supposed to. No break. I don't know what I was planning as far as childcare. As far as I remember, the thought never even crossed my mind. William was in Iraq, not that it mattered because I had lost my mind and hated him at that time. It didn't work out that way at all. Jacob came in late August, 15 weeks early, 2 days into the fall semester of my sophomore year. I withdrew from the university. What choice did I have?
I tried to go back, completed a few classes here and there, but I was never able to stick it out. I wasn't ready to devote myself to it. I'd had another baby and I didn't have the time or the motivation for school. Why did I need a degree? I was a stay-at-home-mom and planned to keep it that way. I'd go back to school when both of the kids were in school. I believed that my marriage was indestructable. We had some issues, but we loved each other so much and we communicated effectively so we'd work it out and everything would be fine. We agreed early on that divorce would never be an option. We both thought we would feel that way forever. I was certain that he would always take care of me so going back to school wasn't a priority.
People change so much in so little time. Or maybe the problem was that people don't change enough. People don't change enough, but their way of thinking changes too much. Our minds and our actions don't evolve together.
It didn't take long for William and I to realize that we'd jumped into life together way too soon. Too late. We tried to make lemonade, we really did. And I don't regret that it didn't work out. I'm thankful to have finally had the opportunity to figure out who I really am. When I was with him, everything was for him. Everything. The thought of losing William was more than I could fathom. He was my world and everything else was second, even the kids. I tried to justify that by saying that our marriage was the foundation for their happiness so that was the most important thing to focus on. As long as William and I were together and happy, the kids would be happy. Every ounce of my energy went into that relationship. I fucked up a lot. He fucked up a lot. We did it over and over again, every time committing to change the cycle. I have learned a lot about who I was then. I have realized what I was doing and why. I don't know what his thought process was and I never will. That's for him to figure out and it doesn't affect me anymore.
Since he and I split, I have backtracked my life. I noticed a pattern to my behavior throughout the marriage, but the pattern went back further. I now know that because of the deep rooted cause of my behavior, no relationship would have worked for me. I now know that resolving that one issue that caused all of this is what it would take for me to be happy.
I was never happy because I was never good enough. I was never worth anything. I was never loved the way I needed to be loved. My first taste of the attention I craved came when I was 11 years old. A family friend, who I had known my whole life, commented on how beautiful I was and how I didn't look my age. I looked at least 15, he said. My body was developing faster than most girls my age and he pointed that out to me with flirty comments and inappropriate touching. He was in his mid to late 20s and attractive. Of course I liked the attention. Here I am, young and inexperienced and he's attracted to me...I must be worth something.
The day came when he went too far and I got nervous and asked him to stop. He didn't at first, but my mother was asleep in another room and I threatened to scream and wake her up. He left me alone. I didn't tell. (several months later, I did end up telling my mom and it caused more drama than I wanted to deal with. nothing ever came of the accusations except a wedge between me and my family members closest to him)
When I made him stop that day, he never tried anything again. He never gave me that attention again either. That single experience shaped me into the teenager and young woman I would become. I craved the attention. I got it anywhere I could. When boys looked at me, I made sure they kept looking. And when I walked, I made sure they followed. Only 2 months later, someone else tried to take it farther than I was ready to go. This time it was a boyfriend, 14 years old to my 11. I remembered what happened when I blocked the progress, so I didn't stop it this time. And I continued to get the attention. As long as I was willing to go where I never should have gone, the boys would always follow. I always had spare. I would have a boyfriend, but there would be 1 or 2 more waiting in line. I never didn't have a boyfriend. This is the pattern that repeated throughout my life.
Being without William forced me to realize who I was and decide what I wanted to be. I never wanted to be who I was...dependent upon someone else for my happiness, pathetically trying to please someone else so that they would want me, clinging to fragments of attention that I confused as affection...I hated that girl.
I don't regret my failed marriage. I needed it, to teach me the truth about myself. To give me the opportunity to redefine myself, to LOVE myself. That's the love I had needed all along, the love I craved, but didn't know where to find.
What I regret is not living. I regret quitting school to have a family. I regret not having anything to show for the past decade of my life. People say, "you do have something to show, you have 2 beautiful kids." Yes, there are 2 beautiful kids that exist, in part, because of me. But I don't have them. I don't tuck them into bed every night and get them ready for school every morning. I don't greet them at the door when they get home and cook them dinner and help them with their homework and participate in school activities. I see them as often as I can, which is nowhere near enough. And they know it. What must they think of me? Do they wonder why I choose work and school over precious time with them? Do they think that they must not be worth anything since I never seem to want to see them? Do they know how much it kills me? Do they know how much I hate myself for not being the mother that they need and deserve?
And we've come full circle. The whole point of all of that was I should have waited to have kids. Not just for myself. I ruined my life by starting too soon, but that I can deal with. That was my fuck up so I deserve to suffer for it. What I can't stand about it is I've affected the lives of those kids negatively. If I had waited, maybe I would have known who I was and what I was worth. If I had waited, I would have had my career in gear and been prepared to take care of myself if the family fell apart. If I had waited, maybe the family wouldn't have fallen apart. If I had waited to bring those children into this world, then they would have had a better life than they will ever have because I was stupid and brought them too soon.
I hope someday I do live up to my own expectations. I hope more than anything that I can live up to Jacob's and Baileigh's.
Monday, October 10, 2011
...to be continued
as usual, i should be doing homework. as usual, i can't focus. so, as usual, i'm procrastinating.
i'm having a really rough day.
work was fine...short day. i got ready to come to class (where I am currently, but it hasn't started yet) pretty much right after i got off. on the way here, i got a disturbing phone call. i won't get into that. let's just leave it at, it ruined whatever chances i had of having a good night.
my emotions are are not a roller coaster right now. they're a fucking skyrocket. i hate hate hate this. my mood seems to be stabilizing until something happens that might cause a bit of a dip. it doesn't cause a dip, though...it causes a dive.
work is ridiculous. i don't even know where to begin with explaining all the fucked up-edness of that place so i won't even try.
school is impossible. i can't get anything done. i'm pretty sure it's because my mind is too full, but i can't do anything about that.
i want to continue writing, but class is starting so i'm gonna pick this up later.
i'm having a really rough day.
work was fine...short day. i got ready to come to class (where I am currently, but it hasn't started yet) pretty much right after i got off. on the way here, i got a disturbing phone call. i won't get into that. let's just leave it at, it ruined whatever chances i had of having a good night.
my emotions are are not a roller coaster right now. they're a fucking skyrocket. i hate hate hate this. my mood seems to be stabilizing until something happens that might cause a bit of a dip. it doesn't cause a dip, though...it causes a dive.
work is ridiculous. i don't even know where to begin with explaining all the fucked up-edness of that place so i won't even try.
school is impossible. i can't get anything done. i'm pretty sure it's because my mind is too full, but i can't do anything about that.
i want to continue writing, but class is starting so i'm gonna pick this up later.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Apparently I Can't Sing...And I'm Crazy
First of all, my kids are awesome. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I came into the living room to find them on the couch watching Dexter's Laboratory. I watched that show growing up so definite props to my brats for their choice of cartoons!
They're on fall break this week and I haven't seen them in (it feels like) forever so I got up early this morning and picked them up with absolutely nothing planned other than spending time together. We played a game with the dictionary. Jacob flipped through the pages and gave me words to see if I could define them. I was doing pretty good until he spat out "roll." I said that a roll is a pastry or bread. That's true, but that's not the definition he was looking for. I tried the verb, like what you do to a ball. Not what he wanted. He made me sit here and contemplate the many meanings of the word "roll," shooting down all of my responses, until I finally got frustrated and quit the game. At that point, he informed me that "roll" is the action inadvertantly performed by objects in water, such as a boat that rolls on the waves. Or as Jacob put it, "you know, like that song you always try to sing but can't." He was referring to "Rolling In the Deep" by Adele, which I sing just fine, thank you very much!
Bai is being all cuddly and sweet like she always does when she's sick. She was coughing a little bit when I picked her up and now she's getting slightly wheezy. I listened to her breathing when we got home and she didn't sound bad. I guess I need to check again. She's not coughing or anything anymore...she's just acting sick. The doctors gave her a daily corticosteriod that she's been using and that seems to be helping a lot. Even with the weather changing so drastically and so often, she hasn't had any trouble. I guess going without it these past few days since she's been out of school has made a difference. We'll have to keep an eye on her and utilize the inhaler.
My moods have been eratic lately. One day I'm fine. The next day I'm pissed and two hours later I'm depressed. Then the next day I'm just a little down until around 3pm when I perk up and get in a great mood. This shit is crazy. I went to the EFC to talk to my med lady. She thinks I might be a little depressed and very stressed out and it's manifesting in emotional displays. I told her about not being able to focus on school and having no motivation. She increased one of meds and added another. So now I'm on 4 different pills. That sounds worse than it is...2 of them are "as needed" and I never really take them.
I want to get an appointment book. Like the kind offices use. I might make a trip to Walmart and look at what they have. I've tried just drawing out my own little time charts, but I don't have anything to keep them in. I guess the best and cheapest solution to that would be to buy a small binder. Golly, I'm smart.
Right now I'm tired. And hungry. I'm going to get off my ass (which will be difficult because I'm laying with the computer in my lap, Bai cuddled up to my left, and Jacob drapped across my legs) and find something to eat. Then I might talk the kids into taking a nap with me. It's worth a shot.
Deuces!
They're on fall break this week and I haven't seen them in (it feels like) forever so I got up early this morning and picked them up with absolutely nothing planned other than spending time together. We played a game with the dictionary. Jacob flipped through the pages and gave me words to see if I could define them. I was doing pretty good until he spat out "roll." I said that a roll is a pastry or bread. That's true, but that's not the definition he was looking for. I tried the verb, like what you do to a ball. Not what he wanted. He made me sit here and contemplate the many meanings of the word "roll," shooting down all of my responses, until I finally got frustrated and quit the game. At that point, he informed me that "roll" is the action inadvertantly performed by objects in water, such as a boat that rolls on the waves. Or as Jacob put it, "you know, like that song you always try to sing but can't." He was referring to "Rolling In the Deep" by Adele, which I sing just fine, thank you very much!
Bai is being all cuddly and sweet like she always does when she's sick. She was coughing a little bit when I picked her up and now she's getting slightly wheezy. I listened to her breathing when we got home and she didn't sound bad. I guess I need to check again. She's not coughing or anything anymore...she's just acting sick. The doctors gave her a daily corticosteriod that she's been using and that seems to be helping a lot. Even with the weather changing so drastically and so often, she hasn't had any trouble. I guess going without it these past few days since she's been out of school has made a difference. We'll have to keep an eye on her and utilize the inhaler.
My moods have been eratic lately. One day I'm fine. The next day I'm pissed and two hours later I'm depressed. Then the next day I'm just a little down until around 3pm when I perk up and get in a great mood. This shit is crazy. I went to the EFC to talk to my med lady. She thinks I might be a little depressed and very stressed out and it's manifesting in emotional displays. I told her about not being able to focus on school and having no motivation. She increased one of meds and added another. So now I'm on 4 different pills. That sounds worse than it is...2 of them are "as needed" and I never really take them.
I want to get an appointment book. Like the kind offices use. I might make a trip to Walmart and look at what they have. I've tried just drawing out my own little time charts, but I don't have anything to keep them in. I guess the best and cheapest solution to that would be to buy a small binder. Golly, I'm smart.
Right now I'm tired. And hungry. I'm going to get off my ass (which will be difficult because I'm laying with the computer in my lap, Bai cuddled up to my left, and Jacob drapped across my legs) and find something to eat. Then I might talk the kids into taking a nap with me. It's worth a shot.
Deuces!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I Want to See Andromeda
The weather's changing. Ups and downs, different every day, can't make up its mind. But it's definitely turning into that crisp, clean air that only comes with the cold. Winter equals clear, dark skies with lots of stars. It's perfect for star gazing. I can't wait until Heather and I can put something soft down in the bed of her truck and bundle up together under a thick blanket, just stare up at the stars. I wish I had a telescope. One year I had access to one and I'd go out and examine the sky almost every night. I loved to discover new areas of the endless universe. The nearest galaxy to ours is Andromeda and it's clearly visable through a telescope from November to February. There are a few planets close enough to make out vague details (I know, oxymoron, but I don't know how else to say it). Even without a close-up view of the distant forever, I still want to just go lay and look.
I've had a few bad days lately. Nothing in particular, just cranky and mopey. Work is going well, in general...some bullshit here and there, but that's everywhere. I've decided that the grass is always greener on the other side. I know people have been saying that forever, but I never really applied it to anything until now. There are some things I miss about Sub Depot. Like the familiarity, the routine, the people. Quiznos is getting easier. I've established a routine there and it's not so foreign anymore. There's still a lot I could improve on as far as memorizing what goes on which sandwich and portion sizes...but for the most part, I'm comfortable there. Conrad has been talking about switching me to evenings because the crew we have for 2nd shift now sucks ass. They always leave things in a state that causes the morning crew (Conrad and me) to get behind because we have to clean up the mess they left. He's been saying that he needs me on nights, but he doesn't have anyone that can replace me on days because the same people would screw things up in the mornings too. I really don't want to work 2nd shift. We close at 9 so I would probably be scheduled 12-8 most days, with someone coming in at 4 or 5 and closing. That would take pretty much my whole day away. I'd sleep til 10 and get home after dark. I hate getting up before 6 every day, but at least I'm out of there at 2 and I can still get shit done. Today Conrad mentioned that Kyle (our District Mananger) asked him if he knew anyone that needed a job and could run a store. Conrad said he thought about telling Kyle that I could do it, but he wanted to check with me first. I told him that I wouldn't mind, depending on location, pay, and hours expectations. I know that store managers make a lot more than I'm getting paid now, but it's salary and at least 50 hours a week. That's fine with me. But if it starts getting to be 53, 55 hours, no way Jose. I do have school and kids and a life. I'd like the money, don't get me wrong, but it may not be worth the sacrafice.
I have a headache. I've been drinking quite a bit of caffeine lately and I've laid off of it for the past 2 days. I hate the withdrawals. If I can just get through the first 2 or 3 days of it, I'll be okay...but damn my head hurts. And I take Excedrine, which has caffeine so it kinda defeats the purpose.
I'm super proud of Babygirl, Heather's dog. She's been doing very well with the potty training. No accidents in a long time. We've been letting her run around the house after she goes out and does #1 and #2. If she only does one or the other, she has to go back in her crate until she goes back out and does the other. Lately she's been doing both in one trip so she's been running around pretty much all night. Good doggie!
Bella is back to her old self. Before she started going into heat, she was very playful. She'd run around the house and wrestle with our arms. Then she just stopped. All she did was lay around and meow and stick her ass in our faces. But now, since she got spayed, she's playful again. I think moreso than before. There's a little green bouncy ball that she bats at and chases. She plays with Babygirl. I like her better this way...lol
The kids are doing ok. No problems, nothing to report. I haven't seen them much lately because of work and I went out of town last weekend. I miss them. I didn't get them today after work because I forced myself to do homework. The assignment was due 2 days ago, but I'm a slacker and just now got around to it. I have another assignment due this coming Monday. I'm reeeeally gonna try to get it done before it's due. My academic advisor called me today and kinda chewed me out for being such a slacker. She's got me going to school for 3 additional hours every week to work on homework. I have to sign in and out when I go. I can do it all in one day, or split it into an hour and half for 2 days. Plus my regular class from 6 to 10 on Monday nights. Fun, fun. But hopefully it will get me back in the swing of things.
My mood is pretty mellow right now. I'm gonna go take a bath. Maybe smooth legs will make me feel better. Not that I don't feel well, I'm just blah. That's it for now....
I've had a few bad days lately. Nothing in particular, just cranky and mopey. Work is going well, in general...some bullshit here and there, but that's everywhere. I've decided that the grass is always greener on the other side. I know people have been saying that forever, but I never really applied it to anything until now. There are some things I miss about Sub Depot. Like the familiarity, the routine, the people. Quiznos is getting easier. I've established a routine there and it's not so foreign anymore. There's still a lot I could improve on as far as memorizing what goes on which sandwich and portion sizes...but for the most part, I'm comfortable there. Conrad has been talking about switching me to evenings because the crew we have for 2nd shift now sucks ass. They always leave things in a state that causes the morning crew (Conrad and me) to get behind because we have to clean up the mess they left. He's been saying that he needs me on nights, but he doesn't have anyone that can replace me on days because the same people would screw things up in the mornings too. I really don't want to work 2nd shift. We close at 9 so I would probably be scheduled 12-8 most days, with someone coming in at 4 or 5 and closing. That would take pretty much my whole day away. I'd sleep til 10 and get home after dark. I hate getting up before 6 every day, but at least I'm out of there at 2 and I can still get shit done. Today Conrad mentioned that Kyle (our District Mananger) asked him if he knew anyone that needed a job and could run a store. Conrad said he thought about telling Kyle that I could do it, but he wanted to check with me first. I told him that I wouldn't mind, depending on location, pay, and hours expectations. I know that store managers make a lot more than I'm getting paid now, but it's salary and at least 50 hours a week. That's fine with me. But if it starts getting to be 53, 55 hours, no way Jose. I do have school and kids and a life. I'd like the money, don't get me wrong, but it may not be worth the sacrafice.
I have a headache. I've been drinking quite a bit of caffeine lately and I've laid off of it for the past 2 days. I hate the withdrawals. If I can just get through the first 2 or 3 days of it, I'll be okay...but damn my head hurts. And I take Excedrine, which has caffeine so it kinda defeats the purpose.
I'm super proud of Babygirl, Heather's dog. She's been doing very well with the potty training. No accidents in a long time. We've been letting her run around the house after she goes out and does #1 and #2. If she only does one or the other, she has to go back in her crate until she goes back out and does the other. Lately she's been doing both in one trip so she's been running around pretty much all night. Good doggie!
Bella is back to her old self. Before she started going into heat, she was very playful. She'd run around the house and wrestle with our arms. Then she just stopped. All she did was lay around and meow and stick her ass in our faces. But now, since she got spayed, she's playful again. I think moreso than before. There's a little green bouncy ball that she bats at and chases. She plays with Babygirl. I like her better this way...lol
The kids are doing ok. No problems, nothing to report. I haven't seen them much lately because of work and I went out of town last weekend. I miss them. I didn't get them today after work because I forced myself to do homework. The assignment was due 2 days ago, but I'm a slacker and just now got around to it. I have another assignment due this coming Monday. I'm reeeeally gonna try to get it done before it's due. My academic advisor called me today and kinda chewed me out for being such a slacker. She's got me going to school for 3 additional hours every week to work on homework. I have to sign in and out when I go. I can do it all in one day, or split it into an hour and half for 2 days. Plus my regular class from 6 to 10 on Monday nights. Fun, fun. But hopefully it will get me back in the swing of things.
My mood is pretty mellow right now. I'm gonna go take a bath. Maybe smooth legs will make me feel better. Not that I don't feel well, I'm just blah. That's it for now....
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Your Friendly Neighborhood Update
Today is Tuesday. I'm off work and I don't have anything that I absolutely must get done. I slept until 10:30am, got online and downloaded the syllabus and textbook for my new class and did some of the reading, talked to a couple people on the phone, wandered around between the kitchen and pantry looking for food, and now I'm writing because I actually have time.
I never did find anything to eat. The options are: frozen pizza (which you have to wait for), sandwiches (which you have to assemble), and an assortment of chips (none of which sound good right now). I'm gonna wait until I'm hungrier and therefore more willing to work for my meal.
Heather has to close tonight, which sucks really bad because that means she won't be getting home for 6 more hours. If I had running around to do or something to occupy my time then it wouldn't seem so long, but I'm gonna be home all day, killing time. Of course, there are dishes and clothes that can be washed. The bedroom could use a little more cleaning (we tackled most of it last week). We have about 4 junk drawers and 3 closets (2 of which are walk-ins) that would REALLY benefit from some orgnaizing. And, as always, I could work on school stuff. So I won't dare say that I have nothing to do.
This past Saturday was the day we celebrated our anniversary. It didn't go exactly as planned, but it was still completely amazing. I got some beautiful roses, lilies, and an assortment of wildflowers from a florist and Nikki arranged them in vases and surrounded them with little tealight candles while Heather and I were at dinner. So when we got home and Heather walked in, she was surprized. But that's not the best part...the best part is who else was waiting when she walked in. For the past few weeks I have been emailing back and forth with Tiffany Shea, who is Heather's favorite indie singer/songwriter. We actually went to see her perform at a little bar on our first date. Well, I got Tiff to come give us a private concert at home so Heather about shit a brick. It was awesome! Tiffany brought us a copy of one of her unfinished CDs that has Heather's favorite song by her on it. She's been looking for that song forever and couldn't find it because Tiff hadn't recorded it yet. So now Heather has a copy of a few songs that aren't even released yet. It was a crazy night, but it turned out amazing and I'm so glad I got to do that for her. I think I might have won the Girlfriend of the Year award for that one!
I have still been feeling really good. I had a mopey day yesterday because my uterus hates me, but other than normal female bullshit, I'm good. I did miss a dose of my meds a few days ago...it was an accident, I swear! But it was only one day so hopefully it won't mess me up too much. I always tell Heather when I realize I've missed a dose to give her about a week to prepare for whatever hell may descend upon us as a result. She's usually pretty understanding, but I can be intolerable sometimes. It shouldn't be a big deal right now because I'm so happy in general that a slight chemical misfire wouldn't affect it much. Hopefully.
I have such a light heart all of a sudden. For years, I have held on to anger and hatred that I didn't know was affecting my life everyday. I hated someone because I always had and I guess it just never occured to me to stop, or I felt like I couldn't stop. I didn't want to feel that hatred. I even asked people to pray for me to find peace in my heart when it came to that person. If I were a Christian, I would say that God has answered that prayer. In fact, I feel something pretty similar to that. I don't really know how to explain my beliefs and that doesn't matter because it works for me and I am happy. The point is: I no longer harbor that hate and fury. I don't have any negativity in my heart, for the first time since childhood. It's so light and calm and peaceful. I'm actually pretty disappointed in myself for allowing the negativity to affect me for so long. I just didn't realize there was an option to let it go. I've always said that people can't control how they feel, and I still believe that to some extent I guess. I just made a conscious decision to end that emotion and it was gone. I just thought about why I felt that way to begin with and when it didn't make any sense, I said, well ok I just won't feel that way anymore. Just like that. So, yeah.
The chirrens are doing well. Bai isn't sick for now. Jacob isn't evil for now. They are both doing really well in school. Jacob's report card had six graded subjects. His grades were: 100, 99, 97, 94, 93, 90. This is sooo my kid! The first three grades were pertaining to English (reading, comprehension, and language, I think). The last three were math, science, and social studies. I was looking at the grades and I was praising him and then I said, "so what's up with this 90 in social studies?" and he shrugged. I told him we'd have to work on that and he said, "at least I got in the 90s." True that, yo! I forgot how great that is. I forgot that most kids score in the 80s. I just assumed he would get high 90s because that's what I always got in school and that was the standard. When he said that, I laughed and told him that he was right and that he did a great job and I'm super proud of him. Unfortunately for him, though, he has shown me that he is capable of top grades and therefore he will be expected to maintain those grades for the next 9 years. Poor kid. Bai only had 3 areas to be graded in and the options were: Below target, On target, or Beyond target. She is beyond target in all but 1, which is handwriting. In that, she is on target. I'm pleasantly surprized at that because I figured her handwriting would be below. She still needs work on it, but hell, she's on target! I'm so proud of my bai bai. I really hope she can do as well as Jacob acedemically becasue I don't want to have different standards for them. It wouldn't be fair to Jacob if he was expected to bring home straight As and Bai could get by with Bs and Cs, but it wouldn't be fair to Baileigh if she was expected to match Jacob's grades if she really isn't capable of that. I know that school doesn't come as easy to everyone as it did to me so I don't want to put pressure on Bai to reach unrealistic goals. If I scold her for lower grades when she really did try her best, then that's just going to make her feel like her best isn't good enough and she'll never be able to be proud of herself. I guess I just have to keep all that in mind and make sure I'm doing all I can to help when she needs it. We'll figure it out.
I'm still liking work ok. I think they're about to switch me to night shift because shit's not getting done and we don't really have a strong leader in the evenings. I don't want to work nights, but if there's a raise involved and guarenteed hours, I'll do it.
That's it for now. I just recieved new information by phone that I might have to write about later, but for now I'm going to sign off and try to figure out this new delima. It's always something! lol
I never did find anything to eat. The options are: frozen pizza (which you have to wait for), sandwiches (which you have to assemble), and an assortment of chips (none of which sound good right now). I'm gonna wait until I'm hungrier and therefore more willing to work for my meal.
Heather has to close tonight, which sucks really bad because that means she won't be getting home for 6 more hours. If I had running around to do or something to occupy my time then it wouldn't seem so long, but I'm gonna be home all day, killing time. Of course, there are dishes and clothes that can be washed. The bedroom could use a little more cleaning (we tackled most of it last week). We have about 4 junk drawers and 3 closets (2 of which are walk-ins) that would REALLY benefit from some orgnaizing. And, as always, I could work on school stuff. So I won't dare say that I have nothing to do.
This past Saturday was the day we celebrated our anniversary. It didn't go exactly as planned, but it was still completely amazing. I got some beautiful roses, lilies, and an assortment of wildflowers from a florist and Nikki arranged them in vases and surrounded them with little tealight candles while Heather and I were at dinner. So when we got home and Heather walked in, she was surprized. But that's not the best part...the best part is who else was waiting when she walked in. For the past few weeks I have been emailing back and forth with Tiffany Shea, who is Heather's favorite indie singer/songwriter. We actually went to see her perform at a little bar on our first date. Well, I got Tiff to come give us a private concert at home so Heather about shit a brick. It was awesome! Tiffany brought us a copy of one of her unfinished CDs that has Heather's favorite song by her on it. She's been looking for that song forever and couldn't find it because Tiff hadn't recorded it yet. So now Heather has a copy of a few songs that aren't even released yet. It was a crazy night, but it turned out amazing and I'm so glad I got to do that for her. I think I might have won the Girlfriend of the Year award for that one!
I have still been feeling really good. I had a mopey day yesterday because my uterus hates me, but other than normal female bullshit, I'm good. I did miss a dose of my meds a few days ago...it was an accident, I swear! But it was only one day so hopefully it won't mess me up too much. I always tell Heather when I realize I've missed a dose to give her about a week to prepare for whatever hell may descend upon us as a result. She's usually pretty understanding, but I can be intolerable sometimes. It shouldn't be a big deal right now because I'm so happy in general that a slight chemical misfire wouldn't affect it much. Hopefully.
I have such a light heart all of a sudden. For years, I have held on to anger and hatred that I didn't know was affecting my life everyday. I hated someone because I always had and I guess it just never occured to me to stop, or I felt like I couldn't stop. I didn't want to feel that hatred. I even asked people to pray for me to find peace in my heart when it came to that person. If I were a Christian, I would say that God has answered that prayer. In fact, I feel something pretty similar to that. I don't really know how to explain my beliefs and that doesn't matter because it works for me and I am happy. The point is: I no longer harbor that hate and fury. I don't have any negativity in my heart, for the first time since childhood. It's so light and calm and peaceful. I'm actually pretty disappointed in myself for allowing the negativity to affect me for so long. I just didn't realize there was an option to let it go. I've always said that people can't control how they feel, and I still believe that to some extent I guess. I just made a conscious decision to end that emotion and it was gone. I just thought about why I felt that way to begin with and when it didn't make any sense, I said, well ok I just won't feel that way anymore. Just like that. So, yeah.
The chirrens are doing well. Bai isn't sick for now. Jacob isn't evil for now. They are both doing really well in school. Jacob's report card had six graded subjects. His grades were: 100, 99, 97, 94, 93, 90. This is sooo my kid! The first three grades were pertaining to English (reading, comprehension, and language, I think). The last three were math, science, and social studies. I was looking at the grades and I was praising him and then I said, "so what's up with this 90 in social studies?" and he shrugged. I told him we'd have to work on that and he said, "at least I got in the 90s." True that, yo! I forgot how great that is. I forgot that most kids score in the 80s. I just assumed he would get high 90s because that's what I always got in school and that was the standard. When he said that, I laughed and told him that he was right and that he did a great job and I'm super proud of him. Unfortunately for him, though, he has shown me that he is capable of top grades and therefore he will be expected to maintain those grades for the next 9 years. Poor kid. Bai only had 3 areas to be graded in and the options were: Below target, On target, or Beyond target. She is beyond target in all but 1, which is handwriting. In that, she is on target. I'm pleasantly surprized at that because I figured her handwriting would be below. She still needs work on it, but hell, she's on target! I'm so proud of my bai bai. I really hope she can do as well as Jacob acedemically becasue I don't want to have different standards for them. It wouldn't be fair to Jacob if he was expected to bring home straight As and Bai could get by with Bs and Cs, but it wouldn't be fair to Baileigh if she was expected to match Jacob's grades if she really isn't capable of that. I know that school doesn't come as easy to everyone as it did to me so I don't want to put pressure on Bai to reach unrealistic goals. If I scold her for lower grades when she really did try her best, then that's just going to make her feel like her best isn't good enough and she'll never be able to be proud of herself. I guess I just have to keep all that in mind and make sure I'm doing all I can to help when she needs it. We'll figure it out.
I'm still liking work ok. I think they're about to switch me to night shift because shit's not getting done and we don't really have a strong leader in the evenings. I don't want to work nights, but if there's a raise involved and guarenteed hours, I'll do it.
That's it for now. I just recieved new information by phone that I might have to write about later, but for now I'm going to sign off and try to figure out this new delima. It's always something! lol
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Finally Relaxing
I'm feeling better. A lot better. I'm such a roller coaster.
I'm relieved to be better able to focus on assignments for school. I don't know what was wrong with me for a little while. I just couldn't make myself do what I needed to do. I have one more week of my current class, which is really two weeks because next Monday is Labor Day so we're out. I'm excited about my last team assignment. It should be fun. The instructor I have now is very...unstructured...I guess. She doesn't really like powerpoint presentations so she encourages us to find more creative ways to present our assignments. For this week, we're supposed to pick a problem and determine two main decisions that need to be made to solve it. One of my teammates suggested the idea of a couple trying to decide whether to buy a house in the suburbs or rent an apartment in the city. I threw out a few of the issues that the couple would need to consider and we decided to present using a role play activity. So I'm going to be a real estate advisor and inform the couple of the pros and cons of each option. One teammate will be the one in favor of the house and the other in favor of the apartment and we'll show the decision making process through acting it out. Neat, huh? So, yeah...feeling better about school. For now...lol
Work is ok too. Lorenzo is on vacation right now and the manager we have in his place is turning out to be pretty cool. I didn't like him at all at first. He's a big black guy named Conrad. The first couple of days he was there, Lorenzo was trying to show him around and give him a run down of how we do things in our store. Those days, Conrad just sort of stood around and observed so I got the impression that he was lazy. Then when Lorenzo left for vacay, Conrad stepped up to the plate and he's doing awesome. I won't say that he does more than Lorenzo because I really don't know what all Lorenzo does, but Conrad does do things more efficiently. There's more organization to everything and stuff gets done quicker. Normally I feel like I don't have enough time to do the things that have to get done before I leave and lately, like today, I was walking around looking for shit to do. Part of that could be that business is slow. Extrememly slow. But even if things had been busier, it would have been more orgnaized than I'm used to. There's not as much prep going on during the lunch "rush" anymore. I'm wondering if Lorenzo is coming back. He mentioned to me that he wasn't planning on it. I guess we'll see.
My Bai has been sick quite a bit lately. A couple of weeks ago she and Jacob were both kinda sick, coughing and fever. They went to the doctor and it was just a virus, no biggie. Well then Josh got sick. He had croup, pink eye in both eyes, an ear infection, and some other viral infection all at the same time. Poor baby. He's feeling better now, but Bai is sick again. This time it's an infection in her throat. There are little pus pockets all over the back of it. She got sent home from school yesterday because of it. Her temp got up to 101.6 at school. William took her to the doctor today and they gave her some antibiotics. I'm just glad it's not strep. If there's anyone with strep within a mile from me, I get it. I avoid that shit like the plague.
Jacob is acting weird again. He seems depressed sometimes. Not always, but often enough to bother me. Sometimes I feel like I might have done or said something to upset him because when I ask him what's wrong, he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't say that; he just says there's nothing wrong, but obviously there is. And then when I tell him that if something's wrong, he can talk to me about it, he just says "I know" and goes on about his business all mopey. I know that his medicine can cause depression as a side effect, but I wouldn't go as far as to say he is actually depressed. Most of the time he seems perfectly fine. I don't know. I can't wait to get the doctor bills paid off so he can go back and see Edith (to check on the meds) and Gayla (just to talk).
Speaking of paying the bills off, that should be happening very soon. I'm anxiously awaiting my refund check from my student loan. I'm going to pay off both my and Jacob's accounts at EFC. Bai still has an ambulance bill I've been paying on that I'll be able to take care of. There are a few other bills that need attention and then my car needs some minor work. The idle air sensor control valve doohickey thingamabob needs replacing and I need a new tire rod. I'm pretty sure that's it for now, but I'll have good ol' Ridgetop Auto give the whole thing a once over just in case. I need to take the car through emissions testing, which it'll fail until I have the thingamabob fixed, so that I can get a temp tag until I can pass emissions and get a permenant one. My shit expires today. Oh crap! For some reason I thought I had more time. Damn, the end of the month just crept up on me. Well I get off work early tomorrow so I'll go then and just hope I don't get pulled over on the way there.
Heather and I are doing really well. I know I don't talk about her much and that's mostly because our business is our business, but the fact that I'm happier with her lately than I've been in a long time makes me want tell people how happy I am. Our biggest problem was that I wasn't putting enough of myself into the relationship because I was (unknowingly, or accidentally, or something) putting too much of myself into other things. She said something one night that finally made me see things from her perspective, which I had been failing to do since we got together. It was a comment that she had made countless times before, but for some reason it hit me that night and I changed what I needed to change. We're sooo much better now. What I've been thinking was us just not being compatible was really just me being stubborn and blind. She's no saint or anything, but since I've come around about what I needed to do, she's putting more effort into things from her side too. I'm happy.
Jacob's birthday marked my two year anniversary with Heather. At the time, I couldn't afford to do anything for her to celebrate. Anticipating my school money, though, I've been making plans for an awesome gift for her. I won't say what yet, just in case she happens to read this, but it's gonna be AWESOME!
In a few weeks Heather and I are going to Pigeon Forge (I think. Maybe Gatlinburg? Something like that) with her mom and stepdad. They were planning a trip up there and asked us to come along. I haven't really spent time with them in forever. We did get to hang out with them for a little while last time we went camping, but the past several times Heather has gone to West TN to visit them, I haven't been able to go. It'll be nice. I hope we get to see Jace, Heather's baby nephew. I haven't met him yet. He was born on Easter. He's a cute baby, but not in a cute baby sort of way...lol
That's pretty much my life right now. Nothing really going on. No big issues to stress over. I'm sure that'll change in time because that's what life does. Ups and downs. But for now I'm just enjoying being able to relax. That's right, I said relax. In fact, when I close this up, I'm going to play a video game. Then I'm going to attempt to cook dinner and have it ready right about the time Heather gets home from work. It's breakfast stuff: sausage links, bacon, eggs, biscuits...but I'm a really lousy cook. In fact, I think I'll let her do the eggs because I still haven't mastered frying them. I can scramble them all day long, but even that I don't do the way she likes them. She likes them light and fluffy. I like mine to be kinda browned in places. So, yeah, she can cook the eggs.
I'm gonna sign off. Don't know when I'll write again because I never know when I'll have time. So until then...
I'm relieved to be better able to focus on assignments for school. I don't know what was wrong with me for a little while. I just couldn't make myself do what I needed to do. I have one more week of my current class, which is really two weeks because next Monday is Labor Day so we're out. I'm excited about my last team assignment. It should be fun. The instructor I have now is very...unstructured...I guess. She doesn't really like powerpoint presentations so she encourages us to find more creative ways to present our assignments. For this week, we're supposed to pick a problem and determine two main decisions that need to be made to solve it. One of my teammates suggested the idea of a couple trying to decide whether to buy a house in the suburbs or rent an apartment in the city. I threw out a few of the issues that the couple would need to consider and we decided to present using a role play activity. So I'm going to be a real estate advisor and inform the couple of the pros and cons of each option. One teammate will be the one in favor of the house and the other in favor of the apartment and we'll show the decision making process through acting it out. Neat, huh? So, yeah...feeling better about school. For now...lol
Work is ok too. Lorenzo is on vacation right now and the manager we have in his place is turning out to be pretty cool. I didn't like him at all at first. He's a big black guy named Conrad. The first couple of days he was there, Lorenzo was trying to show him around and give him a run down of how we do things in our store. Those days, Conrad just sort of stood around and observed so I got the impression that he was lazy. Then when Lorenzo left for vacay, Conrad stepped up to the plate and he's doing awesome. I won't say that he does more than Lorenzo because I really don't know what all Lorenzo does, but Conrad does do things more efficiently. There's more organization to everything and stuff gets done quicker. Normally I feel like I don't have enough time to do the things that have to get done before I leave and lately, like today, I was walking around looking for shit to do. Part of that could be that business is slow. Extrememly slow. But even if things had been busier, it would have been more orgnaized than I'm used to. There's not as much prep going on during the lunch "rush" anymore. I'm wondering if Lorenzo is coming back. He mentioned to me that he wasn't planning on it. I guess we'll see.
My Bai has been sick quite a bit lately. A couple of weeks ago she and Jacob were both kinda sick, coughing and fever. They went to the doctor and it was just a virus, no biggie. Well then Josh got sick. He had croup, pink eye in both eyes, an ear infection, and some other viral infection all at the same time. Poor baby. He's feeling better now, but Bai is sick again. This time it's an infection in her throat. There are little pus pockets all over the back of it. She got sent home from school yesterday because of it. Her temp got up to 101.6 at school. William took her to the doctor today and they gave her some antibiotics. I'm just glad it's not strep. If there's anyone with strep within a mile from me, I get it. I avoid that shit like the plague.
Jacob is acting weird again. He seems depressed sometimes. Not always, but often enough to bother me. Sometimes I feel like I might have done or said something to upset him because when I ask him what's wrong, he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't say that; he just says there's nothing wrong, but obviously there is. And then when I tell him that if something's wrong, he can talk to me about it, he just says "I know" and goes on about his business all mopey. I know that his medicine can cause depression as a side effect, but I wouldn't go as far as to say he is actually depressed. Most of the time he seems perfectly fine. I don't know. I can't wait to get the doctor bills paid off so he can go back and see Edith (to check on the meds) and Gayla (just to talk).
Speaking of paying the bills off, that should be happening very soon. I'm anxiously awaiting my refund check from my student loan. I'm going to pay off both my and Jacob's accounts at EFC. Bai still has an ambulance bill I've been paying on that I'll be able to take care of. There are a few other bills that need attention and then my car needs some minor work. The idle air sensor control valve doohickey thingamabob needs replacing and I need a new tire rod. I'm pretty sure that's it for now, but I'll have good ol' Ridgetop Auto give the whole thing a once over just in case. I need to take the car through emissions testing, which it'll fail until I have the thingamabob fixed, so that I can get a temp tag until I can pass emissions and get a permenant one. My shit expires today. Oh crap! For some reason I thought I had more time. Damn, the end of the month just crept up on me. Well I get off work early tomorrow so I'll go then and just hope I don't get pulled over on the way there.
Heather and I are doing really well. I know I don't talk about her much and that's mostly because our business is our business, but the fact that I'm happier with her lately than I've been in a long time makes me want tell people how happy I am. Our biggest problem was that I wasn't putting enough of myself into the relationship because I was (unknowingly, or accidentally, or something) putting too much of myself into other things. She said something one night that finally made me see things from her perspective, which I had been failing to do since we got together. It was a comment that she had made countless times before, but for some reason it hit me that night and I changed what I needed to change. We're sooo much better now. What I've been thinking was us just not being compatible was really just me being stubborn and blind. She's no saint or anything, but since I've come around about what I needed to do, she's putting more effort into things from her side too. I'm happy.
Jacob's birthday marked my two year anniversary with Heather. At the time, I couldn't afford to do anything for her to celebrate. Anticipating my school money, though, I've been making plans for an awesome gift for her. I won't say what yet, just in case she happens to read this, but it's gonna be AWESOME!
In a few weeks Heather and I are going to Pigeon Forge (I think. Maybe Gatlinburg? Something like that) with her mom and stepdad. They were planning a trip up there and asked us to come along. I haven't really spent time with them in forever. We did get to hang out with them for a little while last time we went camping, but the past several times Heather has gone to West TN to visit them, I haven't been able to go. It'll be nice. I hope we get to see Jace, Heather's baby nephew. I haven't met him yet. He was born on Easter. He's a cute baby, but not in a cute baby sort of way...lol
That's pretty much my life right now. Nothing really going on. No big issues to stress over. I'm sure that'll change in time because that's what life does. Ups and downs. But for now I'm just enjoying being able to relax. That's right, I said relax. In fact, when I close this up, I'm going to play a video game. Then I'm going to attempt to cook dinner and have it ready right about the time Heather gets home from work. It's breakfast stuff: sausage links, bacon, eggs, biscuits...but I'm a really lousy cook. In fact, I think I'll let her do the eggs because I still haven't mastered frying them. I can scramble them all day long, but even that I don't do the way she likes them. She likes them light and fluffy. I like mine to be kinda browned in places. So, yeah, she can cook the eggs.
I'm gonna sign off. Don't know when I'll write again because I never know when I'll have time. So until then...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Not Right Now...
I want to write about all kinds of shit, but I just can't right now. I don't have the energy. I feel myself getting depressed and I know the logical steps to take in order to prevent it, but I don't have the strength. Not right now.
There are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Writing is one of those things. And the really fucked up part is, writing is usually what I want to do when I can't do the things I need to do. *deep sigh*
Maybe later.
There are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Writing is one of those things. And the really fucked up part is, writing is usually what I want to do when I can't do the things I need to do. *deep sigh*
Maybe later.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Oh, you know...the usual
I have GOT to start writing more often.
My mood has been pretty upbeat lately, I think. I find that I live in the now. When I'm in a good mood, I don't really acknowledge ever being in a bad one; and vice versa.
This past Monday was the last day of my Foundations in Biological Psychology class. That class kicked my ass. It wasn't difficult and there wasn't too much work. It was interesting material. I'm just really tired. The statistics class before this one is where the trouble started. I got behind in that class and ended up not even turning in my last assignment, allowing myself to get a 'C' which is unheard of for me. Then when BioPsych started, I was still in a funk and I got behind in there too. The only assignments that I turned in on time were the 3 team assignments. All of my individual ones were late, which caused deductions in scores, which causes a lower grade than I like, but I deserve it. I haven't gotten my final grade for that one yet, but I know the highest it can be is a high 'B'. I have become quite the slacker! My next class is Cognitive Psych. I am going to really really really try to do better in here. I'll have a new instructor. Kellye Somethingorother. We'll see how that goes.
The chirrens start school this Monday. We had to go meet their teachers and I had about 6 pages of shit, front and back, to fill out for each of them. They both seemed nice, but they're supposed to. Jacob's 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Jones, seemed nice at first too. She turned out to be a complete bitch. She would send notes home every day saying that Jacob had done something else wrong. He was constantly misbehaving. So William wrote her a note back saying to send him directly to the principal's office for a paddling for every offense. She continued to send notes home, but never sent Jacob for a paddling so William wrote her back and told her that if she wasn't going to send Jacob to the principal like he suggested, then he didn't want to hear about all the acting up Jacob was doing. Her response was that if she sent him for a paddling every time, then he'd get paddled several times a day. THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT, LADY!!! If he realizes that he'll get his ass busted any time he acts out, then he won't act out. This argument went on for the better part of the school year. Mrs. Wilson, his 2nd grade teacher, was much better. She was very patient and softspoken, but eventually Jacob got the better of her and we had a conference. That was when we decided to take him to be evaluated and explore the possibility of medication, which turned out to be a fabulous idea. William and I were both soooo against that for the longest time. It has really helped though. Mrs. Wilson said that the first day Jacob walked in her classroom after starting his meds, he was like a completely different kid. He was paying attention, not bothering other students, participating in class, and following the rules. I must admit that being around him when he's missed a dose can be...difficult. Hopefully he'll get through this year without getting in much trouble. Last year he was suspended once and suspended from the bus several times. Jacob's my genius child and Baileigh's my angel child. Well, not angel, but not horrible either. She never got in trouble last year. She was sick a lot though. I think this year will be better.
Bai has an appointment tomorrow morning at Vanderbilt's Asthma and Allergy Clinic. Maybe we can figure out exactly what causes her flare ups and do a better job at preventing them. I have gotten a lot better at noticing symptoms earlier. We've been able to keep tabs on it before it gets too bad. Her last little episode was on July 4th and it wasn't really bad. She was mostly faking, which she has started doing for some reason. Attention probably. I'm smarter than she is though. I have a stethoscope. I know if she's really wheezing or just panting like she can't breathe. We've told her over and over not to fake that. I told her the story of the little boy who cried wolf and explained to her what it meant. I told her that if she keeps doing that then one day she'll really be very sick and we won't believe her because she lies about it so much. She hasn't done it anymore since, but then it's only been a month.
Work is work. It's ok. I'm still not loving it, but it is getting more tolerable every week. Lorenzo is trying to teach me Espanol. So far, besides counting to 10, I can say "I don't know," "large," "medium," "a little bit," and "Lorenzo is my friend." Those are all pretty obvious ones that most people know anyway. I really want a Spanish for Dummies book. I used to see those books everywhere. Math for Dummies, Cars for Dummies, Painting for Dummies, you name it...Dummies could do it. I haven't seen a ...for Dummies book in forever. Of course I haven't been to a bookstore in forever either. That's one of my favorite pasttimes. Hanging out at Books-A-Million, like the dork that I am.
Speaking of me being a dork...Harry Potter was awesome. The move. Not the experience. That was horrible. The line to get in stretched twice around the equator and then they let me skip most of it since my ticket was the first showing, but then when I called Nikki and Heather and told them to come on up to the front because they were letting early shows in first, they wouldn't let them in so I sat in the theater for 6 hours by myself while they waited in line. Then, because they didn't let the rest of the early shoes in first and people were still wrapped around the building, they had to wait until everyone got in before they started the movie. So whether you had the 12:01 show or the 12:45 show, they all started at the same time, which was 2 hours late. Of course I'm exaggerating a little bit, but that's what it felt like to me. I was more than a week late starting my period so my hormones were completely out of control and I was a mess. After I laid across the seats I was saving for Nic and Heather and cried until they came in, we watched the movie, which was most awesome. Then, the dumb fucks had 2 of the 3 exits from the parking lot blocked and were directing traffic from 3 directions out one exit. I was so ill. I got out of the car and went to bitch at the manager of the theater. I raised hell until the cops converged on us and then I left the building ranting and raving at the top of my voice, using every bit of profanity instilled in me. When I got back to the car, I couldn't stop fuming so I took off walking. By this time I had pissed Nikki and Heather off with my outrageous attitude and they reluctantly picked me up when they finally got out of the damn parking lot. I swore off Hollywood 27 that night. I will never, under and circumstances, return to that god-awful excuse for a movie theater. I MISS YOU, OPRY MILLS! It's pretty fucked up that THE MOVIE I've waited 6 years to see, the most awesome of the HPs, is overshadowed by the horrid experience I had that night.
Jacob's birthday is in 18 days. We're having the party in 16. I have 2 weeks to plan. This sucks. Actually, the planning is not what sucks. I already know pretty much what I want to do. I just don't have any money. I made a budget for the rest of the year, with every cent accounted for. However, my stupid ass forgot about the b-day party so I didn't factor that in. I would ask William to help, but he got ALL of their school supplies and clothes so that wouldn't be fair. I'll have to re-do my budget. No biggie.
Well it's nearing 7pm and I need to get off my lazy ass (I don't really believe I'm lazy. If I was lazy, I'd have more time to write.) and go get dinner. Until I find the time again....
My mood has been pretty upbeat lately, I think. I find that I live in the now. When I'm in a good mood, I don't really acknowledge ever being in a bad one; and vice versa.
This past Monday was the last day of my Foundations in Biological Psychology class. That class kicked my ass. It wasn't difficult and there wasn't too much work. It was interesting material. I'm just really tired. The statistics class before this one is where the trouble started. I got behind in that class and ended up not even turning in my last assignment, allowing myself to get a 'C' which is unheard of for me. Then when BioPsych started, I was still in a funk and I got behind in there too. The only assignments that I turned in on time were the 3 team assignments. All of my individual ones were late, which caused deductions in scores, which causes a lower grade than I like, but I deserve it. I haven't gotten my final grade for that one yet, but I know the highest it can be is a high 'B'. I have become quite the slacker! My next class is Cognitive Psych. I am going to really really really try to do better in here. I'll have a new instructor. Kellye Somethingorother. We'll see how that goes.
The chirrens start school this Monday. We had to go meet their teachers and I had about 6 pages of shit, front and back, to fill out for each of them. They both seemed nice, but they're supposed to. Jacob's 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Jones, seemed nice at first too. She turned out to be a complete bitch. She would send notes home every day saying that Jacob had done something else wrong. He was constantly misbehaving. So William wrote her a note back saying to send him directly to the principal's office for a paddling for every offense. She continued to send notes home, but never sent Jacob for a paddling so William wrote her back and told her that if she wasn't going to send Jacob to the principal like he suggested, then he didn't want to hear about all the acting up Jacob was doing. Her response was that if she sent him for a paddling every time, then he'd get paddled several times a day. THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT, LADY!!! If he realizes that he'll get his ass busted any time he acts out, then he won't act out. This argument went on for the better part of the school year. Mrs. Wilson, his 2nd grade teacher, was much better. She was very patient and softspoken, but eventually Jacob got the better of her and we had a conference. That was when we decided to take him to be evaluated and explore the possibility of medication, which turned out to be a fabulous idea. William and I were both soooo against that for the longest time. It has really helped though. Mrs. Wilson said that the first day Jacob walked in her classroom after starting his meds, he was like a completely different kid. He was paying attention, not bothering other students, participating in class, and following the rules. I must admit that being around him when he's missed a dose can be...difficult. Hopefully he'll get through this year without getting in much trouble. Last year he was suspended once and suspended from the bus several times. Jacob's my genius child and Baileigh's my angel child. Well, not angel, but not horrible either. She never got in trouble last year. She was sick a lot though. I think this year will be better.
Bai has an appointment tomorrow morning at Vanderbilt's Asthma and Allergy Clinic. Maybe we can figure out exactly what causes her flare ups and do a better job at preventing them. I have gotten a lot better at noticing symptoms earlier. We've been able to keep tabs on it before it gets too bad. Her last little episode was on July 4th and it wasn't really bad. She was mostly faking, which she has started doing for some reason. Attention probably. I'm smarter than she is though. I have a stethoscope. I know if she's really wheezing or just panting like she can't breathe. We've told her over and over not to fake that. I told her the story of the little boy who cried wolf and explained to her what it meant. I told her that if she keeps doing that then one day she'll really be very sick and we won't believe her because she lies about it so much. She hasn't done it anymore since, but then it's only been a month.
Work is work. It's ok. I'm still not loving it, but it is getting more tolerable every week. Lorenzo is trying to teach me Espanol. So far, besides counting to 10, I can say "I don't know," "large," "medium," "a little bit," and "Lorenzo is my friend." Those are all pretty obvious ones that most people know anyway. I really want a Spanish for Dummies book. I used to see those books everywhere. Math for Dummies, Cars for Dummies, Painting for Dummies, you name it...Dummies could do it. I haven't seen a ...for Dummies book in forever. Of course I haven't been to a bookstore in forever either. That's one of my favorite pasttimes. Hanging out at Books-A-Million, like the dork that I am.
Speaking of me being a dork...Harry Potter was awesome. The move. Not the experience. That was horrible. The line to get in stretched twice around the equator and then they let me skip most of it since my ticket was the first showing, but then when I called Nikki and Heather and told them to come on up to the front because they were letting early shows in first, they wouldn't let them in so I sat in the theater for 6 hours by myself while they waited in line. Then, because they didn't let the rest of the early shoes in first and people were still wrapped around the building, they had to wait until everyone got in before they started the movie. So whether you had the 12:01 show or the 12:45 show, they all started at the same time, which was 2 hours late. Of course I'm exaggerating a little bit, but that's what it felt like to me. I was more than a week late starting my period so my hormones were completely out of control and I was a mess. After I laid across the seats I was saving for Nic and Heather and cried until they came in, we watched the movie, which was most awesome. Then, the dumb fucks had 2 of the 3 exits from the parking lot blocked and were directing traffic from 3 directions out one exit. I was so ill. I got out of the car and went to bitch at the manager of the theater. I raised hell until the cops converged on us and then I left the building ranting and raving at the top of my voice, using every bit of profanity instilled in me. When I got back to the car, I couldn't stop fuming so I took off walking. By this time I had pissed Nikki and Heather off with my outrageous attitude and they reluctantly picked me up when they finally got out of the damn parking lot. I swore off Hollywood 27 that night. I will never, under and circumstances, return to that god-awful excuse for a movie theater. I MISS YOU, OPRY MILLS! It's pretty fucked up that THE MOVIE I've waited 6 years to see, the most awesome of the HPs, is overshadowed by the horrid experience I had that night.
Jacob's birthday is in 18 days. We're having the party in 16. I have 2 weeks to plan. This sucks. Actually, the planning is not what sucks. I already know pretty much what I want to do. I just don't have any money. I made a budget for the rest of the year, with every cent accounted for. However, my stupid ass forgot about the b-day party so I didn't factor that in. I would ask William to help, but he got ALL of their school supplies and clothes so that wouldn't be fair. I'll have to re-do my budget. No biggie.
Well it's nearing 7pm and I need to get off my lazy ass (I don't really believe I'm lazy. If I was lazy, I'd have more time to write.) and go get dinner. Until I find the time again....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Work, Evil Children, Two-Toned Hair, and HARRY POTTER!!!!
Man, I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever! (and when I say "talked" I mean written; and when I say "you" I mean me. Because even though I know people will read it, my blog is my diary.)
So much has been going on....
I took that week between jobs and got a lot of much needed housework done, as planned. I also spent a lot of time with the kids, as planned. I started at Quiznos on July 2nd, as planned. And I'm adjusting well, I think. My first week sucked for a couple of reasons. 1) I developed a sinus infection, presumably from swimming the week prior so I was sick as fuck. 2) Due to the sinus infection, which rendered me miserable, my boss sent me home early on my 4th day so that I could go to the doctor (who gave me antibiotics in the form of mongo horse pills, but they totally worked so I guess I should stop bitching). 3) I felt completely lost because I had no idea what the hell I was doing and apparently neither does anyone else at that place. 4) For some reason I had a piss poor attitude and decided that I didn't like it there. That's more than a couple, but once I started naming off the reasons, more just kept coming to mind.
I'm feeling better about it now, though. I'm learning the morning routine. Everything is very structured. I've been opening so when I get there, I count the register and do the morning paperwork. Then I have to go through a checklist that's 4 pages long, but it's all one sentence shit.
"sauteed". I call it black and soggy. So work is going well, I guess.
The kids are evil. I don't know what the deal is lately. I guess they've been at my house too much and I'm way more lax than William so they've gotten out of the habit of behaving. There's a line between being mean and being stern and I've blurred it, apparently. I've always felt like William is too hard on them, telling them they can't do something for no reason at all. I feel like unless there's a reason why they shouldn't be allowed to do it, let them do it. Here lately though, they're taking advantage of my leniency. Instead of "Hey, Mom, can I go to the playground/basketball court/my friends house?" I get "I'm going to...." as they're running out the door. Um, excuse me? And normally it's "I'm hungry, when are we having dinner?" But lately its "I'm starving to death, are you ever gonna feed us?" Um, excuse me? And I know it's my fault. I don't discipline them. Part of the reason for that is I thought I had them trained. You know, you teach a dog something and once it's instilled in their minds, you never have to remind them. It just becomes the way it is. Don't get on the furniture. Don't jump on people. Don't shit in the floor. Don't snatch food. Stuff like that. You don't have to keep telling the dog for years and years. Once they learn it, they know it. For some reason, I assumed children were as smart, if not smarter, than dogs. They used to speak to me respectfully and ask permission for shit. I thought once they knew it was supposed to be done that way, they would just always do it. Nuh uh. I guess I'm gonna have to start putting the smack down again. And that really sucks because they don't like me when I put the smack down and I don't like it when they don't like me. So now, since they're evil, I have to make myself miserable. See how I blame them for my mistakes? Ya liked that, didn't ya?
School is...school. That last class I was in completely sucked. Statistics involves math. I hate math. This class is Biological Psychology, which is basically about the chemical aspect of craziness. I guess I should say psychological illnesses, but I'm just not that sensitive. I like the material. It's interesting and all. I'm just not feeling school right now. July 4th was a Monday so we didn't have class, which meant 2 weeks went by between classes and I got a taste of Spring Fever, I guess. Unfortunately, I don't get a summer vacation from school. I really shouldn't complain. Hell, I only go once a week. But right now, I don't want to go at all. In fact, I should be doing homework this very minute. What am I doing instead? Wasting time, procrastinating, being lazy...call it whatever you like. My opinion is that writing is an outlet for me to express myself and relax, which is vital to my mental health and therefore required for my field of study. That makes sense right? So, in the big picture, I am doing homework. I just won't be graded on it.
Heather got 2 teeth extracted the other day. She was miserable. I've never seen her like that. They gave her 7.5mg Lortab but it wasn't helping. She tossed and turned and whined all night. She got up several times to take baths. Just laying in the hot water soothed her a little, but when she came back to bed, she was pitiful again. I felt so bad becasue I couldn't do anything to help. Yesterday was a little better, but she was still sore and cranky from it. She's been at work all day and should be home soon. I hope she's not cranky tonight. I'm poopy and needy, but if she's cranky I'll leave her alone.
My Nic came over the other night and let me dye her hair. I've never dyed anyone's hair before, other than my baby nephew and that was blue just for shits and giggles. It actually turned out green so that should have been a red flag right there, but Nikki didn't know this before she agreed to let me do it. Surprizingly, I did a pretty good job. Pretty good, not great, or perfect or even good...just pretty good. I only missed one huge streak. Lucky for me (or for Nikki, I guess) she bought 2 bottles of dye and I only used 1 to begin with. After discovering the neglected chunk of hair, we decided to use the 'phone a friend' lifeline and I called Davian, my most awesome hair care professional and friend. I explained what I did and she told me to just do that side again with the 2nd bottle. No biggie. So I did and it looked fine from what I can tell. Nic hasn't told me how the final product looks once it's been styled, but I'm sure if it wasn't good, I'd have heard about it by now. Nikki's a Navejo Bitch and it takes a lot to upset her, but once she's pissed off, the whole world knows it and you better get out of the way!
I'm super excited because this time tomorrow I will be on my way to Hollywood 27 to stand in line for who knows how long to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows pt. 2! That sentence didn't express how truly excited I am. Let me see if I can somehow....
I'M SUPER EXCITED!!!!
That'll work. I've been waiting for this for 6 years. Some people have been waiting longer than that, but I didn't get into the world of HP until '05. My bestie, John Thomas (who, seemingly, I will never see again) made me go with him in the summer of '04 to watch HP and Prizoner of Azkaban. That's the 3rd one. After that he tried to convince me to read the books. "They're so much better," he said. "The movies leave a lot out," he said. Psshhht. I don't care enough to read those silly children's books. Then in 2005 when William had to go Bulgaria for 2 weeks, I was bored enough to pick up book 1 of the HP series. Thus began my eternal geekness. I was hooked. Since I hadn't seen the first 2 movies, there was tons of shit that I didn't know about, plus all the shit that the movies leave out anyway. Up to that point there were only 5 books out. I devoured them all in 2 weeks. And if you've ever seen of the HP books, you know that means I reading constantly. It was later that same year when book 6 was released and I consumed it within days. Then I rented the first 3 movies and watched them. The 4th came out and I went to the theater to see it. Then I got crazy. When the 5th movie came out, i was working at O'Charley's and a guy there was crazy about HP too so we agreed to go see the midnight show on opening night. He brought his mom and I brought my Nic, a guy who was a dad-like person to me at the time, William, and another friend of ours, Jay. We saw it in IMAX 3D, which was overrated. Then for the 6th movie, it was just me and Nikki, who blubbered like a baby. I started crying several minutes before the tear-jerking scene just because I knew it was coming. Nic hasn't read all of the books so she's behind the times. The 7th movie, which is part 1 of the last book was me, Nic, and my Heathers. That was the first time Heather had been to a midnight HP show. She thought it was retarded to go stand in line for all that time and stay up late as fuck just to be able to say that we saw it first. But that's what I do. And we're doing it again tomorrow night!!! It's kinda sad in a way because this is the very last one. There will be no more. All gone. The end. Bye-bye. :-( I'm super excited!
Well, the kids arrived a short while ago, breaking my concentration and indicating the end of my relaxation. Plus, my Heathers is home from work so I'm gonna spend time with her. She's not cranky so I get to cuddle!
I know this was really long, but that's what happens when I go so long without writing. Maybe I should be a writer. I like writing. I'd love to get paid to just sit and write all day. Anyway, I'll try not to wait so long next time so you won't have to suffer through such a long post. Peace, Love, & Anal beads! (if you're into that sort of thing)
So much has been going on....
I took that week between jobs and got a lot of much needed housework done, as planned. I also spent a lot of time with the kids, as planned. I started at Quiznos on July 2nd, as planned. And I'm adjusting well, I think. My first week sucked for a couple of reasons. 1) I developed a sinus infection, presumably from swimming the week prior so I was sick as fuck. 2) Due to the sinus infection, which rendered me miserable, my boss sent me home early on my 4th day so that I could go to the doctor (who gave me antibiotics in the form of mongo horse pills, but they totally worked so I guess I should stop bitching). 3) I felt completely lost because I had no idea what the hell I was doing and apparently neither does anyone else at that place. 4) For some reason I had a piss poor attitude and decided that I didn't like it there. That's more than a couple, but once I started naming off the reasons, more just kept coming to mind.
I'm feeling better about it now, though. I'm learning the morning routine. Everything is very structured. I've been opening so when I get there, I count the register and do the morning paperwork. Then I have to go through a checklist that's 4 pages long, but it's all one sentence shit.
- Turn on soup warmer
- Turn on sauce cooler
- Check breakfast stock
- Count bread
- Pull bread from freezer according to what will be needed for the day
"sauteed". I call it black and soggy. So work is going well, I guess.
The kids are evil. I don't know what the deal is lately. I guess they've been at my house too much and I'm way more lax than William so they've gotten out of the habit of behaving. There's a line between being mean and being stern and I've blurred it, apparently. I've always felt like William is too hard on them, telling them they can't do something for no reason at all. I feel like unless there's a reason why they shouldn't be allowed to do it, let them do it. Here lately though, they're taking advantage of my leniency. Instead of "Hey, Mom, can I go to the playground/basketball court/my friends house?" I get "I'm going to...." as they're running out the door. Um, excuse me? And normally it's "I'm hungry, when are we having dinner?" But lately its "I'm starving to death, are you ever gonna feed us?" Um, excuse me? And I know it's my fault. I don't discipline them. Part of the reason for that is I thought I had them trained. You know, you teach a dog something and once it's instilled in their minds, you never have to remind them. It just becomes the way it is. Don't get on the furniture. Don't jump on people. Don't shit in the floor. Don't snatch food. Stuff like that. You don't have to keep telling the dog for years and years. Once they learn it, they know it. For some reason, I assumed children were as smart, if not smarter, than dogs. They used to speak to me respectfully and ask permission for shit. I thought once they knew it was supposed to be done that way, they would just always do it. Nuh uh. I guess I'm gonna have to start putting the smack down again. And that really sucks because they don't like me when I put the smack down and I don't like it when they don't like me. So now, since they're evil, I have to make myself miserable. See how I blame them for my mistakes? Ya liked that, didn't ya?
School is...school. That last class I was in completely sucked. Statistics involves math. I hate math. This class is Biological Psychology, which is basically about the chemical aspect of craziness. I guess I should say psychological illnesses, but I'm just not that sensitive. I like the material. It's interesting and all. I'm just not feeling school right now. July 4th was a Monday so we didn't have class, which meant 2 weeks went by between classes and I got a taste of Spring Fever, I guess. Unfortunately, I don't get a summer vacation from school. I really shouldn't complain. Hell, I only go once a week. But right now, I don't want to go at all. In fact, I should be doing homework this very minute. What am I doing instead? Wasting time, procrastinating, being lazy...call it whatever you like. My opinion is that writing is an outlet for me to express myself and relax, which is vital to my mental health and therefore required for my field of study. That makes sense right? So, in the big picture, I am doing homework. I just won't be graded on it.
Heather got 2 teeth extracted the other day. She was miserable. I've never seen her like that. They gave her 7.5mg Lortab but it wasn't helping. She tossed and turned and whined all night. She got up several times to take baths. Just laying in the hot water soothed her a little, but when she came back to bed, she was pitiful again. I felt so bad becasue I couldn't do anything to help. Yesterday was a little better, but she was still sore and cranky from it. She's been at work all day and should be home soon. I hope she's not cranky tonight. I'm poopy and needy, but if she's cranky I'll leave her alone.
My Nic came over the other night and let me dye her hair. I've never dyed anyone's hair before, other than my baby nephew and that was blue just for shits and giggles. It actually turned out green so that should have been a red flag right there, but Nikki didn't know this before she agreed to let me do it. Surprizingly, I did a pretty good job. Pretty good, not great, or perfect or even good...just pretty good. I only missed one huge streak. Lucky for me (or for Nikki, I guess) she bought 2 bottles of dye and I only used 1 to begin with. After discovering the neglected chunk of hair, we decided to use the 'phone a friend' lifeline and I called Davian, my most awesome hair care professional and friend. I explained what I did and she told me to just do that side again with the 2nd bottle. No biggie. So I did and it looked fine from what I can tell. Nic hasn't told me how the final product looks once it's been styled, but I'm sure if it wasn't good, I'd have heard about it by now. Nikki's a Navejo Bitch and it takes a lot to upset her, but once she's pissed off, the whole world knows it and you better get out of the way!
I'm super excited because this time tomorrow I will be on my way to Hollywood 27 to stand in line for who knows how long to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows pt. 2! That sentence didn't express how truly excited I am. Let me see if I can somehow....
I'M SUPER EXCITED!!!!
That'll work. I've been waiting for this for 6 years. Some people have been waiting longer than that, but I didn't get into the world of HP until '05. My bestie, John Thomas (who, seemingly, I will never see again) made me go with him in the summer of '04 to watch HP and Prizoner of Azkaban. That's the 3rd one. After that he tried to convince me to read the books. "They're so much better," he said. "The movies leave a lot out," he said. Psshhht. I don't care enough to read those silly children's books. Then in 2005 when William had to go Bulgaria for 2 weeks, I was bored enough to pick up book 1 of the HP series. Thus began my eternal geekness. I was hooked. Since I hadn't seen the first 2 movies, there was tons of shit that I didn't know about, plus all the shit that the movies leave out anyway. Up to that point there were only 5 books out. I devoured them all in 2 weeks. And if you've ever seen of the HP books, you know that means I reading constantly. It was later that same year when book 6 was released and I consumed it within days. Then I rented the first 3 movies and watched them. The 4th came out and I went to the theater to see it. Then I got crazy. When the 5th movie came out, i was working at O'Charley's and a guy there was crazy about HP too so we agreed to go see the midnight show on opening night. He brought his mom and I brought my Nic, a guy who was a dad-like person to me at the time, William, and another friend of ours, Jay. We saw it in IMAX 3D, which was overrated. Then for the 6th movie, it was just me and Nikki, who blubbered like a baby. I started crying several minutes before the tear-jerking scene just because I knew it was coming. Nic hasn't read all of the books so she's behind the times. The 7th movie, which is part 1 of the last book was me, Nic, and my Heathers. That was the first time Heather had been to a midnight HP show. She thought it was retarded to go stand in line for all that time and stay up late as fuck just to be able to say that we saw it first. But that's what I do. And we're doing it again tomorrow night!!! It's kinda sad in a way because this is the very last one. There will be no more. All gone. The end. Bye-bye. :-( I'm super excited!
Well, the kids arrived a short while ago, breaking my concentration and indicating the end of my relaxation. Plus, my Heathers is home from work so I'm gonna spend time with her. She's not cranky so I get to cuddle!
I know this was really long, but that's what happens when I go so long without writing. Maybe I should be a writer. I like writing. I'd love to get paid to just sit and write all day. Anyway, I'll try not to wait so long next time so you won't have to suffer through such a long post. Peace, Love, & Anal beads! (if you're into that sort of thing)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Perverted Yankees and Other Ramblings
Howdy! I'm feeing pretty relaxed. I'm sitting at work even though I've been off for 2 and a half hours. As hectic as things have been lately, it feels good to get some of it handled and wash my hands of the rest. I'm finally feeling good about the direction my life is going. I got my car fixed so I'm independently mobile. Tonight is the last night of my current class. I'm leaving Sub Depot. I'm making plans.
Last Friday I got into it with Curt really bad. Like worse than the first time. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was extremely hostile. I need to give a brief history of what led up to my explosion....Ever since Curt bought this store, he's made me very uncomfortable. He "squeezes" by me in spaces big enough for people to walk through without a problem. It happened a lot at first and I made comments about it loud enough for him to hear, hoping he'd take the hint. One day Heather saw him do it and she started bitching about it. After that, it stopped for a while. He still made me uncomfortable, but in less obvious ways. For example, he would reach across me to grab something instead of waiting for me to move or simply saying "excuse me." Or hell, he could have just asked me to hand it to him. He did this often enough that I told him that he was "invading my territorial bubble" and asked him to watch his proximity. He said, and I quote, "get over it." Recently, he's started squeezing by again. He can have plenty of room to just slide by without touching me, but he rubs against me as he passes. And you know how when you go by someone and kind of grab their shoulders to get around them without being all up on them? He does that, but grabs my hips instead of my shoulders. It's been getting under my skin for a looong time and Friday I just snapped. He apparently thought I was upset about something because he approached me and put one arm around my back and the other hand on my shoulder and was trying to say something along the lines of "calm down" or "it'll be ok" or some shit. I didn't really hear what he said because when he did that, I backed away from him and, very sternly through clenched teeth, said "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He looked all suprized and stepped into me so that his body was, literally, 3 inches from mine and started telling me that there was no reason to be snappy and blah blah blah...I, again, stepped back away from him and told him that wouldn't get snappy if he would stay out my personal space. His response? "I wasn't in your personal space." OMG! We continued to bicker for a few minutes and then he said, "we'll talk about this later," to which I responded "no, we won't." He was standing directly behind me, each of us facing opposite directions, and he mumbled something under his breath. I turned to face him and said, "What?" and then he turned around to face me and said, "nothing" and I stayed looking him in the face and said, "EXACTLY." We didn't speak to each for the rest of the day. I came in this morning (Monday) and the tension was palpable. We didn't speak all day today, but I was in a good mood and had a good day with the rest of the crew, cutting up and getting work done as usual. When 1:30 rolled around and I was getting my stuff ready to come sit in the dining room, I asked if I could talk to him for a second. We went into the office (I intentionally left the door open) and I told him that I just wanted to let him know that Friday would be my last day. He said "ok" and that was that.
I start my new job on July 2nd. I'm going to take the week in between to spend as much with the kids as I possibly can and get some much needed housework done. I want to take them swimming and play games with them. I want to read with them. I want to stay home with them forever and have fun with them and teach them things and hug them 40 times a day. I know I can't do all of that, but the swimming, games and reading are definitely going to happen. I miss them so much. I had to take them to Kim and Chew's again Sunday evening and they cried again, not wanting me to leave them. Oh, it breaks my heart. I imagine this is how most mothers feel when they have to leave their kids at daycare or a babysitter's house. I'm just not used to it because I was a stay-at-home-mom for so long and then even when I did start working, they just stayed at William's because there was always someone there to watch them. It's hard having to leave them somewhere they don't want to be. I just tell them that I wish I didn't have to leave them there and I'm sorry but I have to work and I'll miss them and I love them. I ask them to be strong and try to have a positive attitude. It's true that a positive attitude can change the way you experience a situation. If you're depressed and just think about how much something sucks and how you don't want to do it, it's going to be as bad as you think it will be. But if you try to approach it from the standpoint of knowing that it's temporary and pep yourself up to try to get through it in a decent mood, it won't be as bad as you think it will. That's what I'm going to do this last week here at Sub Depot.
Not that my last week here will totally suck. It will and it won't. It will suck because Curt will be here and I'm sure there will be tension. And it will suck because I'll know that it's the last week I'll be with the awesome people that I work with. And it will suck because I'll have to say good-bye to a lot of my favorite customers, and because I won't get to say good-bye to the ones that don't come in while I'm here this last week. At the same time, it won't suck because I have the relief of being free of Curt and his bullshit to look forward to. I'll make the most of the little bit of time I have with my friends here. And I'll be sure to make plans with them outside of work. It'll be ok. I'll be ok.
I must admit that I'm nervous about starting a new job. It never used to bother me. I changed jobs so much with a lot of spare time in between that I always looked forward to something new. I've been here for a year and 9 months, which really isn't long when you look at the big picture, but it's the longest I've ever worked anywhere, and I love this place. I love the people I work with, I love the customers, I love the job itself. I know this place like the back of my hand. I know everything about the menu, the order of priorities when there's a lot to do, what time this needs done and that needs done. This is kind of like home. It's where I'm comfortable. When I start this new place, I'm going to have to learn everything about it. And I feel like it's going to take forever for me to feel as comfortable there as I do here. I'm worried that I won't like the people, that I won't pick up on the routine. But really, who am I kidding? I can get along with pretty much anyone. I'm social when I need to be. And what's the chance that I'll have trouble picking up on anything? I'm a quick learner and I'm smart. I can do this. I can do anything I put my mind to.
Ok, I'm done with my little self pep talk.
Jacob got his meds. I called EFC and left a message for Edith. She couldn't call in a prescription because of the type of medication it is, but she did write it and leave it at the desk so William could pick it up. She wrote 3 months worth. I love that place. I wish I could go see Gayla. I don't know why. I don't really feel like I need therapy right now. I'm in a good place within myself. I just like going to talk to her. It's like hanging out with an old friend. I do think Jacob could benefit from visiting with her though. He seems slightly depressed. I don't know how depression manifests itself in children so maybe I'm reading it wrong. He just seems different. As long as he's distracted with something fun, he's fine. But the minute he has nothing to do, he's down. He sighs and when I ask him what's wrong, he just says "I don't know." A lot of times he attributes it to boredom. And maybe that really is all that's wrong. Still, I'd feel better if he could talk to Gayla. That's another thing I'm looking forward to at my new job... bigger paychecks. I should be able to slowly pay EFC off and start sending him again.
Oh, how about my phone broke! A few months ago, there was a little cooler sitting on the end table by the couch that we just never dumped the water out of and put away. Well, it has a little flap on the top that velcros shut for easy access without unzipping it. Bella's stupid ass liked to lay on that little cooler and she kept falling through the flap so she'd get up and move, only to come lay back down on it again later. My stupid ass left my phone laying on it one night and Bella climbed up and took her usual perch on top of it. Suprize, suprize, she fell through the flap, and so did my phone. I didn't even realize it had happened, but Heather was laughing at Bella because as soon as she hit the water, she jumped up and took off running. When I asked what was so funny and Heather told me, I realized that I had left my phone laying there. So "oh shit!" I jump up and get my phone out of the cooler, where it had been submerged for at least a whole minute. Heather took the battery out and we let it dry out over night and it worked fine. Well the other day, I dropped it (for the 10,000th time) and it made a weird static sound and shut off, never to turn on again. I tried taking the battery out for 30 seconds and all that trouble-shooting shit, to no avail. So Heather bought me a little pre-pay phone that I've been using ever since. I'm eligible for an upgrade on my phone on July 2nd so I'll get a new one then.
Okie dokie, well, I guess I've covered just about everything for now. Until next time, That's All Folks!
Last Friday I got into it with Curt really bad. Like worse than the first time. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was extremely hostile. I need to give a brief history of what led up to my explosion....Ever since Curt bought this store, he's made me very uncomfortable. He "squeezes" by me in spaces big enough for people to walk through without a problem. It happened a lot at first and I made comments about it loud enough for him to hear, hoping he'd take the hint. One day Heather saw him do it and she started bitching about it. After that, it stopped for a while. He still made me uncomfortable, but in less obvious ways. For example, he would reach across me to grab something instead of waiting for me to move or simply saying "excuse me." Or hell, he could have just asked me to hand it to him. He did this often enough that I told him that he was "invading my territorial bubble" and asked him to watch his proximity. He said, and I quote, "get over it." Recently, he's started squeezing by again. He can have plenty of room to just slide by without touching me, but he rubs against me as he passes. And you know how when you go by someone and kind of grab their shoulders to get around them without being all up on them? He does that, but grabs my hips instead of my shoulders. It's been getting under my skin for a looong time and Friday I just snapped. He apparently thought I was upset about something because he approached me and put one arm around my back and the other hand on my shoulder and was trying to say something along the lines of "calm down" or "it'll be ok" or some shit. I didn't really hear what he said because when he did that, I backed away from him and, very sternly through clenched teeth, said "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He looked all suprized and stepped into me so that his body was, literally, 3 inches from mine and started telling me that there was no reason to be snappy and blah blah blah...I, again, stepped back away from him and told him that wouldn't get snappy if he would stay out my personal space. His response? "I wasn't in your personal space." OMG! We continued to bicker for a few minutes and then he said, "we'll talk about this later," to which I responded "no, we won't." He was standing directly behind me, each of us facing opposite directions, and he mumbled something under his breath. I turned to face him and said, "What?" and then he turned around to face me and said, "nothing" and I stayed looking him in the face and said, "EXACTLY." We didn't speak to each for the rest of the day. I came in this morning (Monday) and the tension was palpable. We didn't speak all day today, but I was in a good mood and had a good day with the rest of the crew, cutting up and getting work done as usual. When 1:30 rolled around and I was getting my stuff ready to come sit in the dining room, I asked if I could talk to him for a second. We went into the office (I intentionally left the door open) and I told him that I just wanted to let him know that Friday would be my last day. He said "ok" and that was that.
I start my new job on July 2nd. I'm going to take the week in between to spend as much with the kids as I possibly can and get some much needed housework done. I want to take them swimming and play games with them. I want to read with them. I want to stay home with them forever and have fun with them and teach them things and hug them 40 times a day. I know I can't do all of that, but the swimming, games and reading are definitely going to happen. I miss them so much. I had to take them to Kim and Chew's again Sunday evening and they cried again, not wanting me to leave them. Oh, it breaks my heart. I imagine this is how most mothers feel when they have to leave their kids at daycare or a babysitter's house. I'm just not used to it because I was a stay-at-home-mom for so long and then even when I did start working, they just stayed at William's because there was always someone there to watch them. It's hard having to leave them somewhere they don't want to be. I just tell them that I wish I didn't have to leave them there and I'm sorry but I have to work and I'll miss them and I love them. I ask them to be strong and try to have a positive attitude. It's true that a positive attitude can change the way you experience a situation. If you're depressed and just think about how much something sucks and how you don't want to do it, it's going to be as bad as you think it will be. But if you try to approach it from the standpoint of knowing that it's temporary and pep yourself up to try to get through it in a decent mood, it won't be as bad as you think it will. That's what I'm going to do this last week here at Sub Depot.
Not that my last week here will totally suck. It will and it won't. It will suck because Curt will be here and I'm sure there will be tension. And it will suck because I'll know that it's the last week I'll be with the awesome people that I work with. And it will suck because I'll have to say good-bye to a lot of my favorite customers, and because I won't get to say good-bye to the ones that don't come in while I'm here this last week. At the same time, it won't suck because I have the relief of being free of Curt and his bullshit to look forward to. I'll make the most of the little bit of time I have with my friends here. And I'll be sure to make plans with them outside of work. It'll be ok. I'll be ok.
I must admit that I'm nervous about starting a new job. It never used to bother me. I changed jobs so much with a lot of spare time in between that I always looked forward to something new. I've been here for a year and 9 months, which really isn't long when you look at the big picture, but it's the longest I've ever worked anywhere, and I love this place. I love the people I work with, I love the customers, I love the job itself. I know this place like the back of my hand. I know everything about the menu, the order of priorities when there's a lot to do, what time this needs done and that needs done. This is kind of like home. It's where I'm comfortable. When I start this new place, I'm going to have to learn everything about it. And I feel like it's going to take forever for me to feel as comfortable there as I do here. I'm worried that I won't like the people, that I won't pick up on the routine. But really, who am I kidding? I can get along with pretty much anyone. I'm social when I need to be. And what's the chance that I'll have trouble picking up on anything? I'm a quick learner and I'm smart. I can do this. I can do anything I put my mind to.
Ok, I'm done with my little self pep talk.
Jacob got his meds. I called EFC and left a message for Edith. She couldn't call in a prescription because of the type of medication it is, but she did write it and leave it at the desk so William could pick it up. She wrote 3 months worth. I love that place. I wish I could go see Gayla. I don't know why. I don't really feel like I need therapy right now. I'm in a good place within myself. I just like going to talk to her. It's like hanging out with an old friend. I do think Jacob could benefit from visiting with her though. He seems slightly depressed. I don't know how depression manifests itself in children so maybe I'm reading it wrong. He just seems different. As long as he's distracted with something fun, he's fine. But the minute he has nothing to do, he's down. He sighs and when I ask him what's wrong, he just says "I don't know." A lot of times he attributes it to boredom. And maybe that really is all that's wrong. Still, I'd feel better if he could talk to Gayla. That's another thing I'm looking forward to at my new job... bigger paychecks. I should be able to slowly pay EFC off and start sending him again.
Oh, how about my phone broke! A few months ago, there was a little cooler sitting on the end table by the couch that we just never dumped the water out of and put away. Well, it has a little flap on the top that velcros shut for easy access without unzipping it. Bella's stupid ass liked to lay on that little cooler and she kept falling through the flap so she'd get up and move, only to come lay back down on it again later. My stupid ass left my phone laying on it one night and Bella climbed up and took her usual perch on top of it. Suprize, suprize, she fell through the flap, and so did my phone. I didn't even realize it had happened, but Heather was laughing at Bella because as soon as she hit the water, she jumped up and took off running. When I asked what was so funny and Heather told me, I realized that I had left my phone laying there. So "oh shit!" I jump up and get my phone out of the cooler, where it had been submerged for at least a whole minute. Heather took the battery out and we let it dry out over night and it worked fine. Well the other day, I dropped it (for the 10,000th time) and it made a weird static sound and shut off, never to turn on again. I tried taking the battery out for 30 seconds and all that trouble-shooting shit, to no avail. So Heather bought me a little pre-pay phone that I've been using ever since. I'm eligible for an upgrade on my phone on July 2nd so I'll get a new one then.
Okie dokie, well, I guess I've covered just about everything for now. Until next time, That's All Folks!
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