Well hello there...
It's been nearly 3 months since I signed in on here. I had to think for a minute to remember my password. That's sad. There has been soooo much going on that I won't even attempt to tell it all. In summary, I got a new job (that has nothing to do with food!), Baileigh was turned into a 6-year-old prostitute by the groundskeeper of our apartment complex ("let me stick my finger in you and you can have a dollar"...ok, that's not really how it went down, but that's what it amounted to) and absolutely NOTHING has been done about it (and more than likely, nothing ever will). Adam Robinson is free to fondle children for the rest of his days. Goddess help our justice system! School has been going well and sucking ass at the same time (more on that later), and that's about it I guess. It doesn't really seem like a lot when I name it off like that, but all the little pieces of everything is a lot and that is why I'm not going to tell the whole stories. Moving right along...
I'm stressed. What's new, right? Thankfully, it's not the "I'm so stressed out, I don't know what to do, I hate my life, blah blah whaaae..." that I usually have going on. My mood is fine. Great, actually. I've been consistently happy. Weird huh? Yeah, I think so too, but I'm definitely not complaining. I've had so much positive energy around and through me lately, that I feel physically uncomfortable when there's negativity. Like now. I can't really explain what it feels like, but I'll give it a shot. It's like I'm full, like there's too much inside me, my body, like whatever is inside is pressing against the inner layer of my flesh and I might burst open from the pressure. It's not painful, though. Just really uncomfortable. Like I'm restless. Like I have an itch that I can't reach, only without the itch. You know when you can't get to that spot on your back and you're wriggling around and reaching and trying to find something to scratch it with...that feeling. That discomfort. I just need to find a quiet, peaceful spot outside somewhere and meditate. Deep cleansing breaths and whatnot.
My grades have been ok. I got an A in one class and a B in another. Those are the only two classes I've completed since my blogging absence. I'm in week 5 of my current class. Unfortunately, I haven't even finished my week 3 assignment, nor have I started on weeks 4 and 5 assignments. Behind much? I know that schoolwork is the biggest aspect of my stress level. And normally, I'd be behind and stressing because I had been being a slacker and just not putting forth the effort. Now, however, it's not that I'm slacking; I just don't have time. "No time! There's never any time!!!" (If anyone can tell me what movie that came from, I'd really appreciate it. It's been driving me crazy because I've been saying that line several times a day and I can't figure out where I heard it. So if you happen to recognize it, please end my suffering and let me know. That'd be great. Thanks.) I will admit that I have been able to play a game on the Wii here and there this past week. Now, before you start aha-ing and tsk tsk-ing, let me explain. The only reason I was able to play games is because the amount of time I had in which to do it was insufficient for academic use. 20 minutes here, 15 minutes there...hell, that's barely enough time to get the computer booted up. So I used the chunks of time that I was killing to do something useless and fun. I absolutely have to get it in gear for the rest of this week though. All assignments must be turned in by the deadline of week 5 (6pm this coming Monday) in order to be considered for credit. So I have 3 weeks' worth of work to do and 4 days to do it. I can do this...I may not sleep for those 4 days, but I can do it. And as the reader you may be thinking to yourself, "well you dumb bitch, shouldn't you be doing homework now instead of writing in your blog?" Ah, but you see, writing in my blog eases tension and relieves stress, ridding my aura of some of the negativity that hinders my concentration. So the current writing is necessary for optimal studious performance. So there.
Baseball/Softball season is upon us. Baseball is kind of a no biggie; we've done this twice before. But this year Bai decided she wants to play softball. So we have two practice times that overlap at seperate locations. Some of the games will be the same way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or even a middle school drop-out) to understand the problem with that situation. It's gonna be a fun summer, folks!
I guess I'm good for now. I really, really, really want to write more often. Really. I doubt it'll happen. But the desire is there. Right now my plan for the weekend is to take the kids to the Opening Day ceremony at the ball park on Saturday, drop them off at their daddy's after that (by the way, William, can I drop the kids off with you after the Opening Day ceremony Saturday morning so that I can come home and do homework? Thanks!) and come home and do homework. I'm going to get as much done as I can before then, of course, but all day Saturday will be my biggest chunk of uninterupted time. Hopefully I can get finished so that I don't have to pawn the little demons off on someone else Sunday. I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this...
A little chanting never hurt anyone. Until next time (whenever the hell that'll be)...
Deuces!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
10,158 days and counting...
Faster than a trip to the restroom...More powerful than a punch in the face....able to knock you on your ass in a matter of minutes...Look! On the CT scan!...It's a seizure...It's a stroke...It's ANXIETY! Yes, it's anxiety - strange visitor from the back of your mind that comes to the surface with powers and abilities far beyond that of normal emotions. Anxiety - that can change the course of a good day, instill fear with its mere presence, and that, disguised as stress, harmless emotion of normal everyday people, attacks suddenly and severely and scares the teetotal hell out you!***
I almost died today.
Not really, but for a while it felt like I was going to. I was having a good day at work, getting stuff done, not stressing about anything, upbeat mood. I started noticing my chest getting a heavy feeling and it was getting a little harder to breathe so I went to the restroom and splashed some cold water on my face. A lady I work with, Kelly, got a towel and put it on my neck. I figured I was just having an anxiety attack so I asked her to go get my purse and I took one of my Xanax pills. I sat in the corner of the restroom floor and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. The next thing I remember is paramedics hovered over me in one of the stalls (don't know how I got there) and a lot of jumbled talking and questions to which I couldn't respond. Then I blacked out again. I had the sensation of floating (being rolled on a gurney) and then I woke up in an ambulance. I was mostly awake after that, although there are still parts that are missing. Even once I woke up and was coherant, I couldn't talk or move the limbs on my right side. The EMT in the ambulance was asking me questions and I concentrated really hard on making my mouth work, but I couldn't talk. It was TERRIFYING. I was completely alert and very much aware of the fact that I couldn't move or communicate. Over the course of the next few hours at the hospital, they ran blood tests, brain scans, and heart monitors. They thought I had had a stroke, but all the tests came back fine. Slowly, my mobility and speech started to come back. They finally chocked it up to an extremely severe anxiety attack and sent me home. Weirdest shit ever.
If anxiety can do that to a person, there need to be more affordabe and available methods of dealing with stress. Hell, I wasn't even stressed when it hit. Anxiety is some sneaky shit, yo. Creeps up on ya. I've been on this earth for 10,158 days and if I'm gonna get to my goal of 36,141, I need to start taking better care of my mind (and arteries, muscles, bones, & organs...but we're not talking about those right now)!
I'm feeling better now. My amazing aunt Dundi brought me Burger King on her way home from work. (Thank you, again, Dun.)
I am tired, though. I'm going to eat and crash I think. 'Night...
***borrowed from intro to 1950's tv classic, Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet...More powerful than a locomotive...Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...Look! Up in the sky!...It's a bird...It's a plane...It's SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
I almost died today.
Not really, but for a while it felt like I was going to. I was having a good day at work, getting stuff done, not stressing about anything, upbeat mood. I started noticing my chest getting a heavy feeling and it was getting a little harder to breathe so I went to the restroom and splashed some cold water on my face. A lady I work with, Kelly, got a towel and put it on my neck. I figured I was just having an anxiety attack so I asked her to go get my purse and I took one of my Xanax pills. I sat in the corner of the restroom floor and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. The next thing I remember is paramedics hovered over me in one of the stalls (don't know how I got there) and a lot of jumbled talking and questions to which I couldn't respond. Then I blacked out again. I had the sensation of floating (being rolled on a gurney) and then I woke up in an ambulance. I was mostly awake after that, although there are still parts that are missing. Even once I woke up and was coherant, I couldn't talk or move the limbs on my right side. The EMT in the ambulance was asking me questions and I concentrated really hard on making my mouth work, but I couldn't talk. It was TERRIFYING. I was completely alert and very much aware of the fact that I couldn't move or communicate. Over the course of the next few hours at the hospital, they ran blood tests, brain scans, and heart monitors. They thought I had had a stroke, but all the tests came back fine. Slowly, my mobility and speech started to come back. They finally chocked it up to an extremely severe anxiety attack and sent me home. Weirdest shit ever.
If anxiety can do that to a person, there need to be more affordabe and available methods of dealing with stress. Hell, I wasn't even stressed when it hit. Anxiety is some sneaky shit, yo. Creeps up on ya. I've been on this earth for 10,158 days and if I'm gonna get to my goal of 36,141, I need to start taking better care of my mind (and arteries, muscles, bones, & organs...but we're not talking about those right now)!
I'm feeling better now. My amazing aunt Dundi brought me Burger King on her way home from work. (Thank you, again, Dun.)
I am tired, though. I'm going to eat and crash I think. 'Night...
***borrowed from intro to 1950's tv classic, Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet...More powerful than a locomotive...Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...Look! Up in the sky!...It's a bird...It's a plane...It's SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The title should be obvious....Happy New Year!
It's New Year's Day...January 1, 2012. Wow, even typing it is weird.
Last year flew by. I was always told that time goes by faster the older you get. I didn't believe it when I was 14 and wanted a license. I wouldn't even have time to prepare for my driving test if I was getting my license when I turned 30. "Goes by faster" isn't an appropriate explanation of what happens to time the older you get. A more accurate way of putting it would be: time makes bounds. One day it'll be New Year's and then 2 weeks later, the kids are getting out of school for summer break. Once you get through the summer, suddenly it's Christmas again. I don't think I experienced a whole year in 2011. Here are the highlights...
In March, Baileigh was hospitalized for severe asthma symptoms. That was the scariest day of my life. She really could not breathe. After that, we cracked down super hard on the cigarette smoke and took proactive action to prevent future episodes. She's been doing great since she started her daily inhaler.
Starting in the spring Jacob had baseball. I love going to his games. Sometimes I can't get into them; baseball really isn't my thing. But I love watching him play. He had a really crappy attitude at the beginning of the season, but after a few games, he got better. He still wasn't happy about losing, but we focused more on his attitude and his effort and praised him for his behavior instead of for the score, and he learned that "it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I'm sure that's a lesson we'll have to touch on again this year.
In May, we took the kids camping for the first time. They had a ball! It was awesome watching them explore and pointing out cool things that adults don't usually look twice at. They both caught fish and Jacob helped Heather build the campfire. We took the nebulizer for Bai, just in case, but didn't really have any trouble. That was even before the daily preventative. We went swimming in the river and made real campfire s'mores. Those are always waaay better than making them in the microwave. I can't wait to take them again.
I left Sub Depot at the end of June and started at Quiznos. That was really hard for me. I don't regret leaving Sub Depot because I seriously could not put up with Curt. I do wish like hell it hadn't have had to be that way though. I miss it, everything about it, except him.
Late August, early September brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself. Nothing changed externally. I just somehow changed. My way of thinking, my mindset, the priorities in my life, my relationship with myself. It's all clearer and I see everything from a different perspective. A better perspective. I was able to let go of some things that have always given me a bitter taste in my mouth and a pain in my chest. I feel free. Liberated! I can't explain why I changed, but I'm willing to my faith in my prayers to the Powers That Be, and the prayers of those who love me to their God. Positive engery from any source is still positive, and I'll accept it gratefully.
September 10th was pretty awesome. Heather and I connected on a deeper level and our relationship, which was crumbling quickly, took a major turn. We have fought less in the past few months than we did for any week-long period during the entire 2 years we were together, except maybe the first couple of months when it was still new. We used to sit on opposite of the couch, her watching tv and me on the computer. Now we rarely even watch tv. We spend time together. And when we do turn it on, we cuddle while we watch a movie. It's a wonderful flip and I hope we can keep it this way.
Christmas was special. We took the kids to Heather's mom's house and they were very well behaved. They racked up on toys. The most special part to me, though, was the sense of family that's always in that house. I know I have a family and I love them more than I can say. It's just been so different since Mama died. Nothing feels the same. Maybe it never will. But I enjoyed being with Heather's family and feeling like a part of that.
And here we are.
I made several New Year's resolutions last year, only one of which I actually accomplished. This year I've decided not to make any. I'll try to improve on things that need improvement, but I'm not going to set myself up for failure by immediately expecting things of myself that may not happen. I look at it like this: if you tell me I can't have chocolate, I'm going to think about chocolate non-stop and eventually (a few hours) break down and go get some. One time when I tried to stop eating junk, I actually cried because I wanted a candy bar so bad and wouldn't let myself have one. I seriously go through mental withdrawals. So...I'm not saying I can't have it. I'm less likely to want it if I know that I'm free to go get it anytime. It makes sense. I use that reverse psychology on the kids too. They'll be dying to play video games if they're grounded from it and there won't be anything to do outside. But if I say they can play the Nintendo, they'll be all excited and go play a few different games for a total of about 20 minutes, then they'll come in here and say it's boring and go outside for hours. If I can outsmart them, I can outsmart myself.
I've been unintentionally losing weight for the past few months. I'm not eating any differently and I'm damn sure not working out. Stress, I guess. But if I've lost 20 pounds without even trying, imagine what a difference a brisk walk around the apartment complex twice a week would do. Maybe I should try that. I'm not saying I will, but I'm more likely to do it if I don't tell myself I have to. There's a reason I'm majoring in psychology.
Another thing I'd like to try to do this year is start a savings account. I have one now, and I think it's got $20 in it. I mean a real savings account. A rainy day fund. Something that'll be there if tragedy strikes. I'm not saying I will, but I'd like to.
I think right now I'm going to get up off my lazy ass and go eat breakfast at Shoney's. They were open all night for the drunken partyers, but I was asleep by 12:30am. I actually dozed off around 11:15pm and Heather woke me up to ring in the new year. Then we went to bed. We're getting old!
Happy New Year!
Last year flew by. I was always told that time goes by faster the older you get. I didn't believe it when I was 14 and wanted a license. I wouldn't even have time to prepare for my driving test if I was getting my license when I turned 30. "Goes by faster" isn't an appropriate explanation of what happens to time the older you get. A more accurate way of putting it would be: time makes bounds. One day it'll be New Year's and then 2 weeks later, the kids are getting out of school for summer break. Once you get through the summer, suddenly it's Christmas again. I don't think I experienced a whole year in 2011. Here are the highlights...
In March, Baileigh was hospitalized for severe asthma symptoms. That was the scariest day of my life. She really could not breathe. After that, we cracked down super hard on the cigarette smoke and took proactive action to prevent future episodes. She's been doing great since she started her daily inhaler.
Starting in the spring Jacob had baseball. I love going to his games. Sometimes I can't get into them; baseball really isn't my thing. But I love watching him play. He had a really crappy attitude at the beginning of the season, but after a few games, he got better. He still wasn't happy about losing, but we focused more on his attitude and his effort and praised him for his behavior instead of for the score, and he learned that "it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I'm sure that's a lesson we'll have to touch on again this year.
In May, we took the kids camping for the first time. They had a ball! It was awesome watching them explore and pointing out cool things that adults don't usually look twice at. They both caught fish and Jacob helped Heather build the campfire. We took the nebulizer for Bai, just in case, but didn't really have any trouble. That was even before the daily preventative. We went swimming in the river and made real campfire s'mores. Those are always waaay better than making them in the microwave. I can't wait to take them again.
I left Sub Depot at the end of June and started at Quiznos. That was really hard for me. I don't regret leaving Sub Depot because I seriously could not put up with Curt. I do wish like hell it hadn't have had to be that way though. I miss it, everything about it, except him.
Late August, early September brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself. Nothing changed externally. I just somehow changed. My way of thinking, my mindset, the priorities in my life, my relationship with myself. It's all clearer and I see everything from a different perspective. A better perspective. I was able to let go of some things that have always given me a bitter taste in my mouth and a pain in my chest. I feel free. Liberated! I can't explain why I changed, but I'm willing to my faith in my prayers to the Powers That Be, and the prayers of those who love me to their God. Positive engery from any source is still positive, and I'll accept it gratefully.
September 10th was pretty awesome. Heather and I connected on a deeper level and our relationship, which was crumbling quickly, took a major turn. We have fought less in the past few months than we did for any week-long period during the entire 2 years we were together, except maybe the first couple of months when it was still new. We used to sit on opposite of the couch, her watching tv and me on the computer. Now we rarely even watch tv. We spend time together. And when we do turn it on, we cuddle while we watch a movie. It's a wonderful flip and I hope we can keep it this way.
Christmas was special. We took the kids to Heather's mom's house and they were very well behaved. They racked up on toys. The most special part to me, though, was the sense of family that's always in that house. I know I have a family and I love them more than I can say. It's just been so different since Mama died. Nothing feels the same. Maybe it never will. But I enjoyed being with Heather's family and feeling like a part of that.
And here we are.
I made several New Year's resolutions last year, only one of which I actually accomplished. This year I've decided not to make any. I'll try to improve on things that need improvement, but I'm not going to set myself up for failure by immediately expecting things of myself that may not happen. I look at it like this: if you tell me I can't have chocolate, I'm going to think about chocolate non-stop and eventually (a few hours) break down and go get some. One time when I tried to stop eating junk, I actually cried because I wanted a candy bar so bad and wouldn't let myself have one. I seriously go through mental withdrawals. So...I'm not saying I can't have it. I'm less likely to want it if I know that I'm free to go get it anytime. It makes sense. I use that reverse psychology on the kids too. They'll be dying to play video games if they're grounded from it and there won't be anything to do outside. But if I say they can play the Nintendo, they'll be all excited and go play a few different games for a total of about 20 minutes, then they'll come in here and say it's boring and go outside for hours. If I can outsmart them, I can outsmart myself.
I've been unintentionally losing weight for the past few months. I'm not eating any differently and I'm damn sure not working out. Stress, I guess. But if I've lost 20 pounds without even trying, imagine what a difference a brisk walk around the apartment complex twice a week would do. Maybe I should try that. I'm not saying I will, but I'm more likely to do it if I don't tell myself I have to. There's a reason I'm majoring in psychology.
Another thing I'd like to try to do this year is start a savings account. I have one now, and I think it's got $20 in it. I mean a real savings account. A rainy day fund. Something that'll be there if tragedy strikes. I'm not saying I will, but I'd like to.
I think right now I'm going to get up off my lazy ass and go eat breakfast at Shoney's. They were open all night for the drunken partyers, but I was asleep by 12:30am. I actually dozed off around 11:15pm and Heather woke me up to ring in the new year. Then we went to bed. We're getting old!
Happy New Year!
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