I just finished my Psy/390 class. This is the first class that I have gotten all my work in on time since....well, I don't even remember. I feel really good about it. I know I'm not going to be able to pull an 'A' because I did miss a day so that was 4 points. And then that same night I missed was a presentation so I lost 3 points for not actually presenting. I left early twice, 2 points each. So that's 11 all together there. I'll have a low 'B' but I'm okay with that because I know that the only reason my grade will be so low is attendance. It felt really good these past 5 weeks, not being stressed out all the time, not frantically trying to throw together some sorry excuse for an assignment because I waited until the last minute. I felt more like me. Not entirely, but more.
This class was also good for me in another way. We explored ourselves a little bit while studying different methods of therapy and I got a nice little reality check. Sort of. It's not that I was trying to overlook the reality or avoid it, I just honestly hadn't realized that the reality was so. It was pointed out to me that I still have a lot of overcoming to do. My instructor told me that I haven't been living my life; I've been surviving. And there is a difference. She asked me to define who I am. My answer was similar to most people's in my shoes, I'm sure. I'm a Mother, a Friend, a Niece, a Partner, a Student...stuff like that. Then she pointed out that I am defining myself by my roles in my environment. I am attaching the stuff that affects me from the outside to who I am on the inside. And those are not the same. So I decided to define myself. As a person. Not as who I am to others, but as who I am to myself. This is an ongoing project that will, undoubtedly, last the rest of my life. That's because people change constantly and who I am will change too. For now though, this is who I am...
I am a Woman.
I am passionate about many things: learning, advancing, teaching; equal rights to United States Citizens; humane treatment of animals; empowering myself; empowering America's youth.
I am One with Nature, with Mother Earth and the Infinite and Eternal Powers that Be. I am in tune with myself and with both the energy that I elicit and also that which I recieve.
I am strong-minded, yet flexible. I am open to other views, but I stand by what makes sense and what I believe is just and good.
I am patriotic. I love the freedom that I am fortunate enough to enjoy and I acknowledge and appreciate the countless sacrifices that have been made to ensure that freedom.
I am forward. I believe in being as honest outwardly as I am in my own mind.
I am self-conscious, though what about changes depending on my mood.
-my strength
-my parenting
-my intelligence
-my emotions
-my decisions
I am loud and boisturous.
I am confident.
I am friendly.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am quiet and reserved.
I am irritable.
I can be several of these all at once.
I am a writer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover of an array of music and literature.
I am comfortable with myself, as I am...even if I am insecure and needy.
I am a contridiction to myself.
And I like it that way.
I love that I can express adoration and loathing in the same breath.
I'm beautiful when I cry. I'm beautiful, period. I'm beautiful inside and out, but I do have blemishes, inside and out.
I respect myself.
I love myself.
I am proud to be who I am.
The things that I would change about myself:
I need to be more patient with my kids.
I need to be more understanding of close-minded people.
I need to be less judgemental.
I need to be more motivated.
And I will be.
This is who I am.
Monday, November 21, 2011
This is How Crazy I Am...
I stumbled across a couple of poems while looking for something else. I read the first one and remembered how down I was at that time. Then I read the next one and actually laughed out loud. It's the complete opposite! I'm such a basket case. They're dated 5 months apart, to the day. I suppose I'll share....
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
October 23, 2010
In a world full of people, what sets me apart? The darkness in my eyes, evidence of the havoc that's been wreaked on my heart. It's no surprize, the bitterness and anger, harbored and repressed, bursts through me like a rocket, straight out of my chest. And what do I fiind there, where my heart should be? A black hole of nothingness for the world to see. The pills are meant to help, but do they really? Can anything correct the imbalance in me? Even in the bright blue sky, the color-changing leaves, everywhere I used to find it, there is no peace. What happened to the stillness that rushed over me when I looked into the sun or at the wide open sea? My internal happy place where I'd go to get away is now just as miserable, a difference like night and day. Where is the one who used to hold my hand, who encouraged me, who I could count on to understand? Where is the focus that I used to apply? Now the whole world is just spinning while the time flies by. I can't feel the gravity, though my feet are on the ground...the noises of the city, but I can't hear a sound. So many levels of hopelessness, on the rocks, with a twist...nothing like the promise tatooed on my wrist. I swore it wouldn't get this way, it couldn't happen again, and yet I sit here with this notebook and my faithful pen. I could do this for hours, filling up these blank lines. There's not enough paper in the world to get out what's inside. Should I call it a night, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just end it all? How selfish of me to even consider taking my children's mother away and leaving them bitter. They deserve so much better, happiness and hope. How can I give them that if I can't even cope? Snap out of it, Amanda. Do what you do. Walk through this life like nothing can touch you. Sure it's okay to cry, but hold your head up high. You might struggle, but always, you'll survive.
And five months after that...
March 23, 2011
Outside it's dreary with drizzle, all gray and dismal, but behind my eyes lies the bright blue sky with fluffy white clouds in sunshine shrouds.
Outside is a cold place where wind whips hair against my face and chills me to the bone so that I feel made of stone, but in my mind I find a warm beach with sand that grinds gently 'tween my toes and I am fine.
Beyond the door there's nothing more than a core so full of the poor and the sore, but I'm in my skin, where there's happiness from within and nowhere I've been could grant me such a grin.
So, yeah...I'm a little bipolar...but that's ok...I love me anyway!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
And now, what you've all been waiting for....
I have had two people comment about my lack of a recent blog entry in the past week so I guess I better get to it. The main reason I haven't written lately is because there's nothing to report. I guess I'm gonna just write for writing's sake and if I repeat shit I've already bitched about, tough shit. You all know where the little "x" in the top right corner of the browser window is.
I can't make up my mind how I feel about work. One day it's not so bad and the next it's unbearable. Never is there a good day. I desperately want out of food service. I don't know why it bother's me so much, but I feel like I'm better than this. Not that working in food service is a bad thing. Some people like it. I even like it to an extent. But it's not where I want to be. It's not like I'm there every day working toward something. There's no goal associated with going into that place. I know I'm just biding time until I get my degree and can get into the field I want, but it feels more like wasting time.
I don't know how Heather does it. I guess the fact that she fully intends to own Sub Depot someday is her motivation. She's passionate about that store. She's not just wasting time in a dead end job. She's learning more and more about how to run a business, and eventually, that's what she'll do. I'm not learning anything or contributing anything that will help me or the field I will enter. I'm too intelligent and passionate to be dilly-dallying around a damn gas station sub shop.
Something else that has me hot about that place is the fact that everyone on payroll is required to work Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all have to work at least a 4-hour shift and we don't have any input as to what the hours will be. I can deal with having to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not happy about it, but I can deal. I will have to find something else by mid-December. Wish me luck.
Nothing really new with the kids. They're still doing well in school, with the exception of Bai's behavior. She's still getting in trouble a lot. I'm sure that will continue until we break down and dope her up like we had to do with Jacob. ADHD is hereditary and having one child with it more than doubles the chance of other children from the same two parents having it. William was never diagnosed with it, but he does admit to being very talkative and out of his seat all through school. I think if he did have it, he grew out of it, as is often the case. Rarely does ADHD carry over into adulthood. Face it, William...I'm not the only one passing down crazy genes to our kids.
My cat is about to need a new home. I love Bella. Truly, I do. However, I will not tolerate the soiling of my floors! She has been pissing on the bathroom rug and/or any towels that happen to be in the floor in there. Her litter box is two feet away. It's unacceptable. The only reason I can think of that she would be doing that is if she has a urinary tract infection of some sort and associates the pain of urinating with the litter box. That would explain why she would go elsewhere to pee. I know that happened to my aunt's cat so I need to take Bella to the vet. Once I get her checked out and fixed up, if she still does it, out she goes! I just now finally got the amonia smell from babygirl's accidents out of the apartment. I'm not having it again. So I'll let ya know how that turns out and I might have a beautiful, affectionate, fun-loving siamese cat free to a good home.
I'm feeling better about school. For a good 20 weeks or so, I didn't turn in a single assignment on time. Sometimes I didn't turn one in at all. I allowed myself to get Cs when I am perfectly capable of maintaining As. Well now that I've started this new class, I have stayed on top of my work. I'm only in week 3, but so far, so good. It feels so much better to get things done and turned in on time. No unnecessary stress. Stress is bad.
Another contributing factor to my stress is gone as well. I finally got that money from my student loan reimbursment so I was able to pay off all that crap that had been piling up. I think the best part of it is knowing my car is fixed. I got my tags renewed and I'm street legal again!
Heather's back has been killing her lately. Her doctor sent her to a pain management clinic, which gave her a high dosage of flexeril (muscle relaxer) and 800mg Ibuprofen tablets, both to take twice a day. She's also got this gel stuff that has to be rubbed on her back before she goes to bed. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do but it seems to be working a little. She's been better able to move around in the last week than she has in a long time. She goes back to the pain clinic tomorrow to get trigger point injections. There will be 5-7 injections into her spine. Sounds fun, right? I hope this shit helps. I know she's tired of being miserable.
There's not really anything else going on. I'm gonna try to get started figuring out what to get the kids for christmas. I know I want to get them bikes, but I am a broke ass so I'll have to price some out. Other than that, I don't know. All Jacob wants for Christmas is his two front teeth. Not really. I'm sure he wants everything he sees, but he is missing his front teeth so that song is appropriate. Bai hasn't given any hints about what she wants. I guess I'll have to flat out ask her. For all the good it'll do. Most of the time when I ask either one of them what they want, they start naming off all kinds of expensive shit I'll never be able to afford. Can't kids just want things like a jump rope, a barbie doll, a frizbee, maybe a "grow your own crystals" set...something simple and cheap? I remember when they were over the moon for a slinky or silly putty. Ah, good times, good times.
So I guess I'm out for now. I'll try not to keep my avid readers waiting so long next time. Sheesh. You'd think I was the author of something interesting. Don't I wish!
I can't make up my mind how I feel about work. One day it's not so bad and the next it's unbearable. Never is there a good day. I desperately want out of food service. I don't know why it bother's me so much, but I feel like I'm better than this. Not that working in food service is a bad thing. Some people like it. I even like it to an extent. But it's not where I want to be. It's not like I'm there every day working toward something. There's no goal associated with going into that place. I know I'm just biding time until I get my degree and can get into the field I want, but it feels more like wasting time.
I don't know how Heather does it. I guess the fact that she fully intends to own Sub Depot someday is her motivation. She's passionate about that store. She's not just wasting time in a dead end job. She's learning more and more about how to run a business, and eventually, that's what she'll do. I'm not learning anything or contributing anything that will help me or the field I will enter. I'm too intelligent and passionate to be dilly-dallying around a damn gas station sub shop.
Something else that has me hot about that place is the fact that everyone on payroll is required to work Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. We all have to work at least a 4-hour shift and we don't have any input as to what the hours will be. I can deal with having to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not happy about it, but I can deal. I will have to find something else by mid-December. Wish me luck.
Nothing really new with the kids. They're still doing well in school, with the exception of Bai's behavior. She's still getting in trouble a lot. I'm sure that will continue until we break down and dope her up like we had to do with Jacob. ADHD is hereditary and having one child with it more than doubles the chance of other children from the same two parents having it. William was never diagnosed with it, but he does admit to being very talkative and out of his seat all through school. I think if he did have it, he grew out of it, as is often the case. Rarely does ADHD carry over into adulthood. Face it, William...I'm not the only one passing down crazy genes to our kids.
My cat is about to need a new home. I love Bella. Truly, I do. However, I will not tolerate the soiling of my floors! She has been pissing on the bathroom rug and/or any towels that happen to be in the floor in there. Her litter box is two feet away. It's unacceptable. The only reason I can think of that she would be doing that is if she has a urinary tract infection of some sort and associates the pain of urinating with the litter box. That would explain why she would go elsewhere to pee. I know that happened to my aunt's cat so I need to take Bella to the vet. Once I get her checked out and fixed up, if she still does it, out she goes! I just now finally got the amonia smell from babygirl's accidents out of the apartment. I'm not having it again. So I'll let ya know how that turns out and I might have a beautiful, affectionate, fun-loving siamese cat free to a good home.
I'm feeling better about school. For a good 20 weeks or so, I didn't turn in a single assignment on time. Sometimes I didn't turn one in at all. I allowed myself to get Cs when I am perfectly capable of maintaining As. Well now that I've started this new class, I have stayed on top of my work. I'm only in week 3, but so far, so good. It feels so much better to get things done and turned in on time. No unnecessary stress. Stress is bad.
Another contributing factor to my stress is gone as well. I finally got that money from my student loan reimbursment so I was able to pay off all that crap that had been piling up. I think the best part of it is knowing my car is fixed. I got my tags renewed and I'm street legal again!
Heather's back has been killing her lately. Her doctor sent her to a pain management clinic, which gave her a high dosage of flexeril (muscle relaxer) and 800mg Ibuprofen tablets, both to take twice a day. She's also got this gel stuff that has to be rubbed on her back before she goes to bed. I'm not sure what it's supposed to do but it seems to be working a little. She's been better able to move around in the last week than she has in a long time. She goes back to the pain clinic tomorrow to get trigger point injections. There will be 5-7 injections into her spine. Sounds fun, right? I hope this shit helps. I know she's tired of being miserable.
There's not really anything else going on. I'm gonna try to get started figuring out what to get the kids for christmas. I know I want to get them bikes, but I am a broke ass so I'll have to price some out. Other than that, I don't know. All Jacob wants for Christmas is his two front teeth. Not really. I'm sure he wants everything he sees, but he is missing his front teeth so that song is appropriate. Bai hasn't given any hints about what she wants. I guess I'll have to flat out ask her. For all the good it'll do. Most of the time when I ask either one of them what they want, they start naming off all kinds of expensive shit I'll never be able to afford. Can't kids just want things like a jump rope, a barbie doll, a frizbee, maybe a "grow your own crystals" set...something simple and cheap? I remember when they were over the moon for a slinky or silly putty. Ah, good times, good times.
So I guess I'm out for now. I'll try not to keep my avid readers waiting so long next time. Sheesh. You'd think I was the author of something interesting. Don't I wish!
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