Ups and Downs, but mostly Ups

I wish I could get on here and write about how great everything is and how happy I am. I am happy, in general. Unfortunately, when I'm in a good mood, I tend to be doing things more fun than sitting in front of my computer so I don't get a chance to write about it.

There's really only one thing bothering me right now and it's the same shit that's always on my mind. The whole car issue. I've been anticipating a large sum of money that was expected to be deposited into my checking account on, or shortly after, April 30th. With this money (and hopefully more from my aunt), I was going to get my car running. Today I was informed that it will be at least 5 more weeks before it will be avaiable. So that means 5 more weeks without a car. Fun times!

On a brighter note, I'm scheduled for 38 hours next week and combined with the 37 I got this week, that should make for a decent payday (compared to what I've been seeing, anyway). I'm not banking on getting that many hours in the future, though, so I'm still looking for something else. I put in an application the other day for a management position. On the application, in the "date available to start" spot, I put mid-June. I thought I'd definitely have my car by then so I wouldn't have to worry about transportation. A couple of days later I decided that I can take the bus if I absolutely have to, so I went back and modified my date available to start: "ASAP, with a 2-week notice". I need to get back on craigslist and submit my resume to some more places, but I hate that. It's so impersonal. Oh well. Technology is taking the face-to-face out of everything. Eventually, we'll all be sitting around with computers attached to our laps and listening to "for English, press 1" every time we pick up the phone. It's pretty close to that scenario now.

In an attempt at human contact, I opted for on-campus courses and I am loving the class I'm in right now. It's General Psych, which you'd think would be very broad and dry. It is broad I guess, but very interesting. My assignment this week is to choose someone famous from the 20th or 21st centuries and, basically, psychoanalyze them. I'm researching Drew Barrymore. I love her! Next week I have an assignment with my learning team, which I dreaded like hell in all my other classes. I hated working in teams because I had a hard time not being in control of everything. It sucks when my grade depends upon someone else's ability to get shit done. I've let go of that, for the most part. I got a 'B' in my last class so I figured that since my 4.0 GPA is gone, it doesn't really matter if my scores are perfect. It's a lot less stressful letting someone else do some work too. So yeah. Loving school.

Mother's Day is coming up. I'm determined to stay in high spirits. I got pretty down last year. I went to Humboldt with Heather to spend time with her mom. We went to a fair and had a little bit of fun, but as soon as I wasn't distracted anymore, tears. I think this year will be better. Much better, in fact, because I'll be spending time with Jacob and Bai. This time last year I was still in my really screwed up I don't want be around my kids mood. I feel so much better now. I hated myself for not wanting to spend time with them. I'm so glad that's over. I miss the little shits when they're not around now. I like hanging out with them and playing games. They're cool kids.

I'm a lot happier with myself now. One of my New Year's resolutions was to work on my relationship with myself. I've been doing that. I'm proud of myself, of who I am. I'm not where I want to be in terms of career, financially, home...stuff like that. On the inside, though, I'm exactly where I want to be. I'm WHO I want to be. I didn't think I'd ever get here, and I know there's always room for improvment, but I've become someone I'm proud of. Someone I would't mind Baileigh being like when she grows up. For as long as I can remember I was starving for attention, desperately trying to be loved, dying to be someone's everything. I was weak. I was foolish. I was insecure. I didn't love myself. Nobody wants to be able to describe themselves like that. And I damn sure don't want Bai to end up like that. Children tend to become like their parents because we teach them how to act and how to react. I want to show Baileigh that she can be strong. She can be independent and courageous and beautiful on the inside as well as outside, but I also want her to understand that outside beauty isn't what makes a person who they are. I want her to be grateful for the things she has and work hard for the things she wants. I want her to be proud of herself and take pride in her work and in her life. And I can show her all those things because I am all those things now. I'm glad I went through that chunk of my life the way I was because it's given me perspective. It's made me aware of the difference. It's like when a rich man loses all his money and has to live in a cardboard box, then hits the $10 million jackpot. He knows how bad it can be so he's grateful for what he has. And kinder to those that aren't as fortunate. So yeah. I'm happy right now. And, to tell ya the truth, no matter how bad a situation gets, I don't think I'll lose this confidence. I think it has replaced that part of my personality that used to be weak and insecure. It's like I'm a paperdoll. And you know how you can just take off one outfit and put on another and do it all over again...well I super-glued this outfit on.

My little man seems to be developing a fear of storms. I know most little kids are afraid of lightning or loud thunder, but he's never been bothered by it before. Now, all of a sudden, he's worried about it. I guess it has a lot to do with the tornados that have been dropping, but he's never even seen one. Maybe he watches too much tv. I don't know, but the fact that he's so worried worries me. He has a little stuffed puppy with a 'W' on its chest and Jacob calls him "Wags." I don't know where it came from, but he carries it everywhere. He sleeps with it and talks about Wags like he's a friend, standing right next to him. "Wags doesn't want to go play outside because it's too hot" or "Can Wags have a goodnight hug too?" I thought Jacob was too old for that kind of imaginary play. Maybe not. I'll look it up. I haven't really thought too much about it until just now. Anyway...Jacob is being evaluated for an excellerated program at school. Aparently he got my booksmart gene. I hope he was lucky and also got William's common sense gene.

I was attempting to housebreak Heather's puppy. Heather went to East TN to visit her brother and newborn nephew so I took that opportunity to spend time with Babygirl. I shaved her butt (so the dingleberries won't stick to her when she poops), clipped her nails, brushed her, gave her a bath, and brushed her again. Then we practiced going in her little cage and getting treats. Then we practiced staying in the cage for several minutes at a time. Then we went outside and walked around forever while I begged her to potty and she sniffed everything a million times. She never did potty outside that day. I tried again the next day and Heather has worked with her some, but it's hopeless. Heather won't let me leave her in the cage at all times until she gets the hang of going potty outside, which is what crate training is, so she's never going to get the hang of it. Puppy pads are expensive, damn it!

Well I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna do Nikki's eyebrows, and probably mine too. Deuces!