well, now it's 1:04am. I am completely and utterly drunk off my ass. i've had 3 jack and cokes, but with bipolar disorder medication, that's 3 too many. i don't really know why i let myself get like this. i usually just have 1 drink and cut myself off, knowing my limit. but tonight i just didn't give a fuck. two years ago, in about 2 hours, my mother took her last breath. i was in her hospital bed for most of the night, with my arm around her, watching the heart rate/respiratory rate monitor. she was averaging 12 breaths per minute. my two aunts were there, though one of them was, as usual, a drunken mess. they were both asleep. my children were there, also asleep, in the waiting room. my best friend was there. he had driven up to be with me from chattanooga. extended family (actually just friends of the family, but what's the difference?) were there. my husband was there. he wasn't supposed to be. he was supposed to be on a flight back to the training camp where he would be deployed to iraq from, but, due to the circumstances, he was granted an extension.
most people have regrets. i don't. my mother knew how much i loved her. LOVE her. she knew how much i appreciated her. if i have any regrets at all, it's that she died in that hospital bed, instead of at home, where she wanted to be.
my eyelids are getting heavy. i've hit the "backspace" button more times than i can count, which isn't very high right now, considering the amount of alcohol i've consumed in the past two hours. but i just don't feel like sleeping. i don't know what to write, but i don't want to go to sleep.
the little vertical bar, marking my place on the page, keeps blinking....
i keep pausing to think of more to write...
i used to be much muchier. i've lost my muchness.
you know how when you close your eyes half way, you can see the tips of your eyelashes? yeah, well, i see them.
i watched the new version of "karate kid" with jackie chan and jaden smith tonight. it was most awesome.
i dread waking up tomorrow. i know i'm bound to have a headache.
i should really put the package of cookies up because i know that when the kids wake up, they're gonna eat the rest of them, but the pantry seems so far away and what's the harm in having cookies for breakfast anyway?
i am confident that i am going to vomit quite soon.
i suppose i should log off now, because "quite soon" seems to be sooner than i thought.
for the record, i'm aware of the randomness of this post, i just really do not give the slightest fuck.
a huge shout out to the people who have been there for me through thick and thin, which are probably the only mother-fuckers who will read this anyway: Sandra (Dundi) Yates, Nicole (Nic) Johnson, John Thomas Cecil, and William Cothron.....I love all of you so very much. there are no words. and i'm not just being sentimental because i'm highly intoxicated. you are the only people who i know will love me unconditionally, for the rest of eternity.
to my mother: You are the reason I am who I am. I honestly don't remember any lessons you ever taught me, any conversations that stand out, anything at all that's above and beyond. You were just exactly what a mother should be. You knew when to let go. You knew when to step in. You let me learn from my own mistakes and were there for the aftermath of those mistakes. You took care of me to the best of your ability. I recognize your sacrifice and am eternally grateful. I love and miss you with all my heart. And though your gravesite may not be visited often, it is not because I don't care. It is because you are not there. You are in my heart. You are all around me. Why go to a cemetary to see a stone with your name engraved upon it when I can look inside myself and feel you there? When I pray to the powers that be, it is you I am speaking to. I know you will continue to take care of me. I love you, Mama.
ok...i pride myself on knowing when enough is enough, and this is it. so goodnight and blessed be. Happy Mother-Fuckin' New Year!!!
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