For the past week or so, I've been going to the "notepad" feature on my dumbphone to jot down a few words here and there that will remind me of stuff to write about when I get the chance. I just looked at it because I have a chance to write, but none of that stuff seems very important anymore. I wanted to bitch about work and stupid people of varying origins...I was going to give a little update on the animals (we now have 3)...I had planned on ranting about my opinions regarding people getting pregnant and having kids while on welfare (I will still probably rant about that, but not right now).
Right now I want to talk about how lonely I am. I don't mean in the sense that nobody's around and I don't want to be by myself. I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy a little alone time. What I mean now when I say I'm lonely is that I have no friends. My life consists of going to work, doing homework, going to school, spending time with the kids (though not nearly enough), and trying very unsuccessfully to keep my house in a state that won't be deemed a health and safety hazard by the government.
I miss going out. I miss having people over. I miss making spur of the moment plans and getting excited. I've become dull.
When I first stopped hanging out with people, it was because I decided that there was no such thing as a friend. There were people you could chill with and have a good time with, but if you let them get too close, they'd fuck your world up. I came to this conclusion based on my past friendships, not only because of what my "friends" had done to me, but also because of what I had done to other people who I considered my dearest friends. Somehow, being close to people has always brought misery. So I poured myself into Heather with the delusion that I was bettering myself; I was letting go of all the bullshit that I had been carrying around with me since forever. The reality of it was, though, that I was letting go of everything. And not because I was fed up with my friendships, but because I was fed up with my life.
At the time, I didn't take responsibility for the bad shit that happened to me. Or that I caused. Rarely do things just happen to people...most of the time, some way or another, they cause it. I caused a lot of bad shit. And I put the back of my hand to my forehead with a dramatic "why me" because I was too childish and selfish, and I'm sure a few other descriptive words that end with "ish", to acknowledge that I was the reason for my own struggle. The two years that followed were extremely bumpy and mostly uphill. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I grew up. I don't really know what happened. I just had an epiphany and was all of sudden different in my own mind. I wish I could say that it was because I had done a lot of soul searching and philisophical thinking and that I worked really hard to come to this enlightenment. Nope. Just *poof* and I was different. Don't get me wrong, I had done a lot of soul searching, but to no avail. I always ended up right back where I started. For some reason, the cycle just broke. I guess if you climb up and down a rope enough times, sooner or later it'll snap.
For the past few months I've been bored. I want to do stuff. I want to hang out with people again. I want to go out in big groups and cut up. I want to be in a conversation with someone standing across from me while two people to either side of me are in a separate conversation. I want friends.
It's really difficult for me to find friends that I can relate to. I had one once. I pushed her away. Actually, I pretty much drove my fist through her chest, grabbed her heart and pushed her backwards out a 50-story window without letting go of her lifeforce. She fell to the ground with a splat before I realized what I had done....or before I cared, I don't know which. And even once I did accept that I had killed a very special part of her, I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to put forth enough effort to try to save her. We went our separate ways. I truly hope that whatever pain I caused her was for a reason. There's no reason that I can give, but hopefully she experienced what I did to her and somehow became a better person for having to overcome it. She did nothing to cause that. That was one of those rare occasions where it just happened to her.
That happened to me once too. Someone came into my life and killed me. She killed every last fiber of my being. She took from me all that I cared about and all that I lived for. I have never felt so much hate as I did toward her. I would have joyfully tied her to a pole with barbed wire in the center of a concrete cell, burned her clothes off of her and then put out the fire, slashed her face with jagged, rusty pieces of aluminum cans and splashed it with salt water, dug out her vagina with a fork, clipped her clitoris off with fingernail clippers, caught the blood that poured out of her in a bucket and made her drink it, which would hopefully cause her to vomit so that I could wipe it up with a towel and use it to gag her. Then I would have dunked one of her arms in gasoline and set it on fire, put the fire out before it spread to the rest of her body, pulled the blackend skin off of the arm like the burnt outside of a roasted marshmallow, and fed it to her. Oh, it could have gone on for days, hell, maybe even weeks. There wasn't enough torture in a psycho's mind to give her all that she deserved. I could have done all that and slept like a baby every night. I'd probably even dream up more things to put on the torture list for the next day. Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
I know you, the reader, are probably wide-eyed with disbelief and just now exhaling the breath you were holding while reading that last paragraph. I completely understand. After all, how could someone have such thoughts and be free to roam around in society? It's okay...I'm on medication. Rest easy, my friends. Those hideous urges are long gone. For you see, that girl not only ruined my life, but saved it at the same time. All the loathing and repulsion that I harbored for her dampened my quality of life. Eventually, as in 5 months ago, I let it go. The negativity that I carried with me evaporated. I have even thought about sitting down with her and having a little chat. I'd really like to know more about what goes on inside her head. I'm sure she wouldn't want to know the same about me!
I have absolutely no problem admitting that I'm crazy. It is precisely this that affirms my sanity. Insane people think they are the only ones who are normal and the rest of the world is what is fucked up.
What was the point of all that again? Oh, yeah...I'm lonely. Hmmm....I wonder why I have no friends.
But seriously, folks, I really am a very kind-hearted person. I'm sensitive and caring. I value life, mine and that of all people. I do believe that there are some people who are a waste of healthy organs, but I would defend their right to life, nonetheless. I realize that my thoughts are a bit scary to the outsider. In here, though, everything makes perfect sense. In here, in my mind, I am at peace. There are no characteristics about myself that I am ashamed for people to know. Nothing I would worry about the press getting their hands on if I ever ran for president (which, of course, I wouldn't because I hate politics and all the hypocrisy that it requires). This blog is to me as confession is to Catholics. I'm sure it wouldn't kill me to say a few Hail Marys just for shits and giggles, but I don't know the words.
I know that to have friends, I have to make the effort in the friendship. And effort involves time. Which I do not have. So I guess until my obligations thin out, I'm just gonna be bored. I'm really ok with that most of the time. I have so much other shit that I should be doing. I do know, though, that if you don't cut loose (foot loose, kick off your sunday shoes...) every once in a while, you can lose your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm half way there.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just catching up...
So much has been going on. I never have time to write so I'm gonna have a lot to catch up on. Here goes...
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
I am in week 5 of my social psychology class. So far I have an A and I see no reason why that should change. I'm getting my assignments turned in on time and so far I've gotten full points on all of them. I'm missing a few points here and there for attendance and team assignments; I've left early once and missed a day. I'm enjoying this class. It's nice to be interested again. I guess that's part of what was wrong with me for a while. I just couldn't get into the material. I'm sure if I hadn't been so blah in general it wouldn't have been so bad. We don't have class again until January 3rd. I'm surprized we get a break at all since the holidays don't fall on Mondays. Not complaining though!
I have been miserable at work. I think it's mostly been because I thought I was going to have to work on Christmas and I was in defensive mode. I was going to take a write up if I was scheduled to work because I'm not gonna be in town. They can kiss my flabby, white ass! Things have gotten somewhat better lately. We hired 3 new people and the only other girl who was there quit so now I'm fitting into the "assistant manager" title better. Everyone there has been trained to listen to me instead of me just coming in with people who were already there and them not recognizing me as a supervisor. Plus Conrad pretty much leaves everything up to me. He says he's the manager, but I'm the boss. I agree! lol Unfortunately, though, Conrad is being transferred to another location. It's supposedly only for 7 weeks, but what's the point in the first place? He wasn't given a reason. Head hancho boss man just said he was moving 5 managers and Conrad happened to be one of them. What the fuck ever! That makes a whole lot of no sense. All of this came about last night and Conrad told me when I got to work this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Today was my last day working with him. We were told that Lorenzo (the old manager) will be handling our store while Conrad is gone. I like Lorenzo and I didn't want him to leave when he got his transfer before, but now I don't think I can handle going back to doing things his way. Mostly because his way was fucked up. There was no organization to anything and everything always felt behind. I felt like I was constantly rushing through every shift. I'm sooo not looking forward to this.
I was (and really still am) looking for another job. I submitted my resume to several places online. I even went to an interview last week. It went well and I got offered a second interview, but I found out the pay would be solely commission and I can't do that. I need guarenteed income. No sales shit for me, thanks. I was extrememly bummed. I want out of food service!!!
Heather has been having a hard time with Curt too. He's a douche, which we've known, but he's getting worse. He's been giving Heather a hard time because she's had to leave work for a couple hours a few times to go to doctor appointments. The doc she sees isn't there on Monday or Friday, which are the 2 days she gets off early, so she gets through the lunch rush and leaves in time to make it to her appointments and then goes back to work. Apparently, that's unacceptable. He pissed her off super bad a couple weeks ago and she had me set up a meeting with Kyle (the head hancho boss man at Quiznos) to see about a position there. He had approached me and asked about her a few months ago and said that he'd love to have her on his team, but I told him that she was loyal to Sub Depot and probably wouldn't ever leave...besides, nowhere can pay her what she makes there. He asked how much and when I told him, he looked like that was nothing and said "pssht, I can do that." So when Curt pissed her off, I called Kyle and he met with her. They talked for-fucking-ever and, when it came down to the money, he said he could only pay her such-and such, which is waaay less than she makes now. Needless to say, she was disappointed. I was pissed because he totally wasted her time AND he had lied to me about how much he could pay her so I felt bad for suggesting it to her. She's not really looking for anything else right now. I'm sure a time will come (probably in a couple weeks) when Curt will push her over the edge again and she'll be looking hard core.
Heather's back issues are looking up. She's still hurting all the time, sometimes worse than others. At her last appointment with her doctor, though, action was finally taken. He had sent her for a CT scan and the results showed that she has two conditions. 1) Facet arthrosis. That's literally arthritis of the facet joints, which are little joints within the spine. It's the same condition as whiplash, except whiplash is in the neck and this is her mid to lower back. 2) Thorasic spondylosis. I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to do with the sharp pieces that stick out of the back of the vertabrea and when she turns from side to side, it hurts like a bitch. So the doctor finally gave her some pain meds. Not much, but it helps a little. And he's got her scheduled for a diagnostic nerve block procedure. They're gonna inject her spine with something that will numb those nerves and see if that helps. It will only last a few hours at most, but if it works, then they'll do a more permenant block where they insert electrodes into her back and target the nerves with radio frequency, which will kill them. They'll grow back over time, but the procedure can be repeated every 6-12 months. If she could go 6-12 months with no pain, that would be like a 6-12 month orgasm for her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in constant pain. So hopefully this will help.
The animals are good. Bella's getting a winter coat and looks fat. lol She's not fat, she's fluffy! Babygirl got spayed last Thursday. She's running around all energetic and playful now, but the first couple of days after, she was pitiful. Poor puppy! She does have a hard lump in her tummy near the incision, which they said would happen and is normal. They said it should be about the size of a marble, but hers is about the size of a golf ball. She's not acting like it hurts and it doesn't ooze or anything, but I called and they said that if it hasn't gone down by tomorrow then I should take her to have it looked at. So I am. Christmas eve will make a year that we've had her. Well, Heather's had her. She came home with Heather on Christmas Day. She could have fit into a normal sized peanut butter jar. Now she's the size of an igloo cooler. Oh, how they grow! I remember getting up 3 times a night to bottle-feed her. I used to wrap her up in a cloth diaper like a burrito. *sniff sniff* Our little baby is growing up. She and Bella fight like cats and dogs....lol. Playfully though. The funniest shit in the world is when they'll run through the living room, Babygirl chasing Bella, and then they'll run down the hall and when they come back through the living room, Bella's chasing Babygirl. Cute as hell!
My human babies are growing up too. When they were itty bitty, I used to say "I can't wait til they can feed themselves and wipe their own asses." And now I miss changing diapers and being spit up all over. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when they did get older. But of course I didn't believe them. Remind me never to discount my elders' advice. Baileigh lost her first tooth the other night. I'm sad that I missed it. She was at her daddy's. She was so excited. She's been dying to lose a tooth ever since Jacob started losing his. He lost his 5th one today. I missed that too. I don't mind that so much though because he lost his 1st, 2nd, and 3rd here. I think William still has his 4th, which I need to get from him along with Bai's. I'm keeping them like the sentimental mother that I am. I have them each wrapped in a paper towel with the date on it. I'm so cheesy.
We're going to Humboldt to Heather's mom's for Christmas. She's got them tons of crap under her tree and Santa is coming to see them there. They've been out there before just to visit, but they've never spent the night. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. Only because I know what a handful they are and Heather's mom can't be chasing around after them. She's very grandmotherly. "Leave 'em be, they're not hurting anything." and "One little piece of cake won't hurt." Spoils the hell out of them. Gotta love it!
I've been reading my Wicca book again. I haven't looked at that stuff in forever, but I've been feeling more spiritual than usual lately so I'm trying to get back into it. I'm planning to build an alter and start practicing, but it's a long way off. I have to study more and decide which path I want to take. It's way too much and too complex to explain in this blog, but basically, there are several pantheons and dieties associated with different things like strength, love, fertility, prosperity, protection, etc...and I have to look more deeply into each one and decide which, if any, I want to incorporate into my rituals. I can choose to omit a diety altogether and it won't make one bit of difference, but I kinda like the idea of having a persona to picture as I call to the Powers That Be. So I want to figure out which one I like best. Or ones...I could use multiples or switch it up. I love that about Wicca; it's very personal and flexible. How I feel is the only thing that matters. I channel the energy into whatever I am drawn to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Moon. Everytime I go outside under the moon, I can't help but close my eyes and turn my face up to the sky. It's where I feel the most spiritual. The next closest is in the mountains/forest. For that there is Demeter, the Greek Earth Mother. I don't know yet. I still have lots to look at.
I guess that's about it. I know there's more I could talk about, but my eye lids are getting heavy. I think I'm gonna go curl up and try to finish the book I've been reading for the last month and a half, which is so not like me. I normally finish a book a week after I start it, at the latest. I just haven't had time to relax and read. So nite-nite for now.
Blessed Be!
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